Collection of Internet/Collection of Internet.iso/winprogs/cooksock/amjcook.txt

Text File | 1992-08-20 | 183.4 KB | 3,665 lines

$                     ---- This space for rent ----
$!085 lhadmA na edisni deppart m'I  !pleH
$"AMDAC?" asked the disgruntled FE.
$"Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it."
$"Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
$"Batman is the hero any of us could be, given
determination, exercise, and deep psychological
trauma."
             -- Chris Jarocha-Ernst
$"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
$"But this is my sister's bike!"
$"Colonel North, do you understand what we mean by the U.S.S.R.?"
"Yes sir, it is a code name for Russia."
$"DISCLAIMER:  In no event will the author be liable for ANY damages arising
from the use, misuse, abuse, inability to use, etc., etc., of this program,
even if it were to initiate a complete mass to energy conversion of your
personal computer, thus reducing the state in which you reside to a smoldering
ruin.
$"DROPPED FROM UTS" is just VM's way of saying "Booga, Booga!"
$"DROPPED FROM UTS" is just VM's way of saying UTS is out to lunch!"
$"Dad, have you seen Blip? I can't find him anywhere!"
$"Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger!"
$"Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud."
$"Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to PUNT."
$"Fie!" he said, surveying the carnage about him. "Someone must have left
the bathroom light on again; don't they know the landlord gets UPSET?!"
He sighed and went into the kitchen for a garbage bag. "Y'know," he mused
as he put the dismembered limbs into the bag, "if this apartment weren't in
such a good location, I'd move out." He sighed again and shook his head.
"This is the third time that this has happened THIS MONTH!" He made a
mental note to place another want ad for roommates in the paper.
$"He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words."
$"He taught us drawing, stretching, and fainting in coils."
$"How are things?"
$"I am the housekeeper!"
$"I don't know what you mean by YOUR way, all the ways about here belong to ME"
$"If looks could kill it would've been us instead of him!"
$"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
$"Just as they are."
$"Just when we finally got good at this, we    \_i_/
run out of planets." - a Voyager scientist   --[o]--
$"Kernal" is not a word.  The correct spelling is "kernel".
$"LARKS' VOMIT! It don't say nothing on the box about larks' vomit!"
"Yes it does, on the bottom, right after monosodium glutamate."
Monty Python--"Trade Descriptions Act"
$"MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that."
$"Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!"
$"Mind your own business, Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference."
$"Oh!  I thought that was a parrot!".   "No, no... They turn that color."
$"Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!"
$"So many obituaries...And always the wrong ones" - Marian Balsam
$"Soviet Union? That's a code name for Russia." - Ollie North. :-)
$"That's user, u s r, and then there's a space ..."
$"There goes Bill!"
$"There's no such thing as gravity - the earth sucks."
$"There's nothing you can do that can't be done."  John Lennon
$"They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!"
$"This is one American Marine who will always tell the truth, Sir."
                               - Ollie North
$"To be, or not to be."--Hamlet   "Do-bee-do-bee-do."--Sinatra
$"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!"
$"Wayne Newton is," he says, "an example of what America can be."
$"Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin without a cat!"
$"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
$"You mean I can send mail to myself?"
$"You mean you can't take less, it's very easy to take more than nothing."
$"reproduces if added to its quotation." reproduces if added to its quotation.
$$ egrep -n '^[a-z].*\\(' $@ | sort -t':' +2.0
$$ fortune
$$ rm -r $HOME
$'Has eighteen letters' does.
$'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
$'Share and Enjoy' - that's my motto.
$(This fortune deleted due to painfully extreme insipidity.)
$* Unix is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
$/usr/news/gotcha
$1 bulls, 3 cows
$1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.
$10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
$186,000 miles per second -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
$1st LAW OF TESTS:
80% of the final will be on the one lecture you missed and about the one
book you didn't read.

2nd LAW OF TESTS:
When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones
will be illegible.
$2-0 is a cricket score in this sort of football.
$23. ...  r-q1
$3000000 km/sec -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
$5th LAW OF THE OFFICE:
Vital papers will move from where you left them to where you can't find them.
$90% of everything is crud.
$: is not an identifier
$>From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
$A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun
$A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
$A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.
$A beautiful woman will enrich your life soon.
$A big mac, french fries and a large coke!
$A bird in the hand can be messy.
$A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
$A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
$A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure.
$A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
$A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
$A closed mouth gathers no foot.
$A company is known by the men it keeps.
$A computer program does what you tell it to do,
not what you want it to do.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
$A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
$A consultant is someone who asks their client what time it is, writes the
answer in a report and charges the client for the privilege.
$A dead man cannot bite.
$A disc cannot be read as easily as a filing cabinet. Unless you have a
computer - which has problems reading a filing cabinet.
$A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
$A fool and his honey are soon parted.
$A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
$A friend in need is a pest indeed.
$A gift of flour will soon be made to you.
$A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
$A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
$A girl's best friend is her mutter.
$A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet.
$A goal to either team would break the deadlock.
$A good memory does not equal pale ink.
$A good reputation is more valuable than money.
$A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.
$A half moon is better than no moon at all.
$A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
$A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
$A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
$A harp is a nude piano.
$A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
$A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity
$A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
$A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
$A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
$A king's castle is his home.
$A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
$A large dog will have a surprising effect on your life.
$A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist
$A lie in time saves nine.
$A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
$A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
$A lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
$A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
$A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
$A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
$A man walked into a haberdashery and said to the owner,
"Did you just see me come in?"
The owner replied,
"Yes, sir, I did."
"Ahhhh!" the man said. "Have you ever seen me before?"
The owner was puzzled. "No sir, never in my life."
"Ah Hah!" the man exclaimed. "Then how did you know it was me?"
$A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
$A man with one watch knows what time it is--with two watches he is never sure.
$A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
$A man's house is his hassle.
$A man, a plan, a canal.  Suez!
$A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
$A misguided platypus will lay its eggs in your shorts.
$A moose once bit my sister.
$A mouse is an elephant built by the japanese.
$A muth once bit my sister.
$A noble choice, but first ...
$A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
$A penny saved is ridiculous.
$A plucked goose does not lay golden eggs.
$A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
$A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
$A project not worth doing at all is not worth doing well.
$A relationship is like a shark.  It has to keep moving forward or it dies.
$A rolling disk gathers no mos.
$A rolling stone gathers no moss.
$A shortcut is the longest path between two points.
$A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk.
$A snake lurks in the grass.
$A soft drink turneth away company.
$A stitch in time saves nine.
$A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly.
$A theory is better than its explanation.
$A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
$A train-load of rioting soccer hooligans has crashed. Nine of them are
believed to be hurt. The Home Office is said to be deeply distressed by
the news.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've just been handed an amendment to that announcement:
A train-load of English soccer hooligans has crashed. NONE of them are
believed to be hurt. The Home Office is said to be deeply distressed by
the news.
$A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
$A violent man will die a violent death.
$A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
$A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
$A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
$A well-known friend is a treasure.
$A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
$A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
$A word to the wise is enough.
$A writer must not shift your point of view.
$A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in god.
$A zygote is a gamete's method of producing more gametes.
$ALEXANDER BELL'S THEOREM: When a body is immersed in water, the phone rings.
$AMJCourage is your greatest present need.
$ARG n. Abbreviation for "argument" (to a function), used so often as to have
become a new word.
$ARTHUR'S LAW OF LOVE:
People to whom you are attracted think you remind them of someone else.
$ATWOOD'S FOURTEENTH COROLLARY:
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.
$AUTOMAGICALLY adv. Automatically, but in a way which, for some reason
(typically because it is too complicated, too ugly, or perhaps even too
trivial), I don't feel like explaining. See MAGIC.
Example: by assigning a logical name to SYS$PRINT (on the VAX), a program
writing to that logical name causes the file to be spooled to the line-
printer automagically.
$Abandon hope all ye who press ENTER here.
$Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.
$About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
$About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
$Above all else - sky.
$Above all things, reverence yourself.
$Abrasive - A fine mesh for sifting female undergarments.
$Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
$Abstain from beans.
$Abstinence makes the heart grow fondler.
$Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
$Accolade - An effervescent fruit cordial made from Accos.
$Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.
$Acquire - A group of singers commonly found in churches.
$Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
$Acute Angle - A very attractive early Briton.
$Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they
escaped teething.
$Addiction - The process by which one becomes a dick.
$Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later.
$Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
$Adolescence is that period of time between puberty and adultery.
$Advancement in position.
$Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
$After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
$After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
$Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
$Agrimony - What a divorced farmer pays his ex-wife.
$Ahah!
$Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
$Air pollution is a mist demeanor.
$Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
$Aleph sub alpha is the alpha'th aleph.
$Algorithm is a set of instructions. E.g. How to use the telephone:
If 'phone not working' then 'phone operator.'
$Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
$All art is but imitation of nature.
$All art is quite useless.
$All diagnostics are fatal.
$All great discoveries are made by accident.
$All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
$All hope abandon, ye who enter here.
$All in all it's just another brick in the wall...
$All is well that ends well.
$All laws are basically false.
$All machines are amplifiers.
$All men know the utility of useful things, but not know the utility of futility
$All my troubles seem so far away.
$All programmers want arrays!
$All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
$All that glitters has a high refractive index.
$All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
$All the world's a stage and the people on it are poorly rehearsed.
$All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
$All trends towards Chaos.
$All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
$All wars are ironic because all wars are worse than expected.
$All work and no play, will make you a manager.
$All's well that ends.
$Allowing for seasonal adjustments, things are actually getting better.
$Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
$Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
$Always cut the cards.
$Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
$Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
$Always pick on the correct idiom.
$Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
$Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
$Always tell a woman she's beautiful, especially if she isn't.
$Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
$Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
$Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.
$Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
$America! the land of the Chrysler 440 cubic inch engine!
$America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man.
$Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
$An artist should be fit for the best society and kept out of it.
$An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
$An atom blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
$An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehensible truth.
$An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
$An engineer is someone who does list processing in fortran.
$An expert is someone from out of town.
$An honest God is the noblest work of man.
$An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
$An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
$An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
$An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
$An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys.
$Anarchy is against the law.
$Anchovies?  You've got the wrong man!  I spell my name DANGER!  (click)
$And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
$And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
$And here's another clue for you all:  The walrus was Paul.
$And later on in the show, we'll be hearing from the inventor of car
alarms. We won't actually be talking to him in the studio, but we'll
ring him up ... at three o'clock in the morning ... and go "Wee ooo
wee ooo wee ooo wee ooo" in his ear very loudly.

And then we're going to wait five minutes and do it again.
$And now for something completely different.
A man with 3 buttocks.
$And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.
$And they're off!
$And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
$Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
$Antelope - Someone who is against all lopes.
$Antelope freeway--1/4 mile.
$Any I.C. protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
$Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
$Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
$Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
$Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
$Any shrine is better than self-worship.
$Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
$Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
$Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
$Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
$Anyone want a burger? It has cheese on both sides!
$Anyone who can cope with mathematics is not fully human.
$Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
$Anything is possible, unless it's not.
$Appearances often are deceiving.
$April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the
other three hundred and sixty-four.
$Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
$Archimedes had no principles!
$Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?
$Are we not men?
$Are you a turtle?
$Aren't you glad that everything is going so smoothly?
$Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
$As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
$As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
$As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
$As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
$As the axe entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us."
$As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
$Astronauts are out to launch.
$At the end of the day, it's balls in the back of the net that counts.
$Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
$Auribus teneo lupum.  (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
$Australia , Hurrah.
Australia , Hurrah.
We have Tin and Iron and our backbone is wheat
and also sheep.
Yes we are so lucky
The Kangaroo, the native bear and the Emu, too!
Australia , Hurrah
Australia , Hurrah!
- A (seriously) proposed Australian National Anthem
$Autocracy is based on the theorem that one man is smarter than many.
$Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
$Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
$Avoid colloquial stuff.
$Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
$Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
$Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
$Avoid temporary variables.
$Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF.
$Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
$Avoid unnecessary branches.
$BAKER'S LAW: You never want the one you can afford.
$BAR 1.  The second metasyntactic variable after FOO (q.v.) "Suppose we have
    two functions, FOO and BAR. FOO calls BAR..."
    2.  Often appended to FOO to produce FOOBAR.
$BARACH'S RULE: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
$BASIC is to computer programming as "qwerty" is to typing.
$BEDFELLOWS RULE: The one who snores will fall asleep first.
$BENEDICT'S PRINCIPLE (formerly MURPHY'S NINTH COROLLARY):
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
$BERYL'S LAW:
The "CONSUMER REPORT" on the item will come out a week after you buy the item.
$BOCKLAGE'S LAW: He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
$BOOB'S LAW: (from MURPHY'S LAW):
You always find something the last place you look.
$BRAIN-DAMAGED [generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in Multics]
adj. Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication that the
person responsible must have suffered brain damage, because he/she should
have known better. Calling something brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it
is unusable.
$BREAK v. 1. to cause to be broken (in any sense). "Your last VMS update broke
the common data dictionary." 2. (of a program) To stop temporarily, so that
it may be examined for debugging purposes. The place where it stops
is a BREAKPOINT.
$BREDA'S RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
$BRINTNALL'S LAW: If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
$BROKEN adj. 1. Not working properly (of programs). 2. Behaving strangely;
especially (of people), exhibiting extreme depression.
$BROKET [by analogy with 'bracket': a 'broken bracket'] n. either of the
characters "<" or ">". (This usage comes primarily from Stanford; at MIT, as
well as the Real World, they are usually called ANGLE BRACKETS.)
$BUG [from telephone terminology, "bugs in a telephone cable", blamed for
noisy lines.] n. An unwanted and unintended (and undesirable) property of a
program. See FEATURE.
$BUZZ v. To run in a very tight loop, perhaps without guarantee of getting out.
$BYRNE'S LAW OF CONCRETING: When you pour, it rains.
$Backup - originally to take a security copy of a program or file.
Now used interchageably with pirate and steal.
$Badness comes in waves.
$Base 10 numbers are still not accepted by a number of older people who grew up
with shillings and crowns.
$Base 2 is a difficult base for computers to perform arithmetic in, particularly
if the task involves variables, negative, fixed or floating point numbers.
$Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
$Be affectionate to one who adores you.
$Be alert, the world needs more lerts.
$Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
$Be braver.  You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps.
$Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.
$Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
$Be careful!  Is it classified?
$Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.
$Be cautious in your daily affairs.
$Be cheerful while you are alive.
$Be happy with the real pleasures in life.
$Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
$Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
$Be patient with those who are slower than you, for they make you look better.
$Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.
$Be seeing you.
$Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
$Be sure to treat your assumptions as though they are reality.
$Be valiant, but not too venturous.  Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
$Beam me up, Scotty!
$Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
                   J.T. Kirk
$Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
$Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
$Beauty seldom recommends one to another.
$Because the wine remembers.
$Bedfellows make strange politicians.
$Been Transferred Lately?
$Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
$Beggars should be no choosers.
$Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse.
$Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
$Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
$Behind your back, your colleagues are talking about Jeckyl and Hyde.
$Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one
basket" - which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and
your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the
one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET."
$Being natural is simply a pose.
$Better dead than mellow.
$Better late than never.
$Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
$Better to send ten ambulances when they are not needed than one when it is.
$Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
$Between two evils, always pick the one you never tried before.
$Beware low flying ducks!
$Beware of Bigfoot!
$Beware of Geeks bearing grifts.
$Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
$Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
$Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
$Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
$Beware of geeks bearing graft.
$Beware of low flying butterflies.
$Beware of low-flying rocks.
$Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
$Beware the legless man who teaches running.
$Beware the man with white feathers and an orange mouth,
for he is a duck in disguise.
$Beware the new TTY code!
$Beware the thirty-first of November.
$Big book, big bore.
$Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
$Biggest security gap - an open mouth.
$Biology grows on you.
$Biz is better.
$Blackberries are red when they are green.
$Blah.
$Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth.
$Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
$Blow - opposite of Buv.
$Bluegrass is not just a weed.
$Bookie - pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.
$Boycott Clockwork Peach.
$Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
$Brain fried -- Core dumped
$Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
$Bring me a bug and I will pummel it to pieces.
$Buenos dias. ┐C≤mo estßs?
$Buffalo is not just the name of an animal.
$Buffer - Member of Whitehall gentlemans club. Alternatively, a place to
store data temporarily until a processor is ready for it.
$Bug - when your computer tells you 2+2=TUESDAY you have a bug. See Feature.
$Bugs are sons of glitches!
$Build a system even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
$Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.
$Bureaucratic organization is like a septic tank: the big chunks rise to the top
$Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state.
They merely adjust the compass.
$Bus error -- Core dumped
$Business will be either better or worse.  --Calvin Coolidge
$But Captain--the engines can't take this much longer!
$But I don't like Spam!
$But you shall not escape my iambics.
$Buy low, sell high.
$Buy!  Amdahl Stock to go up 100 points next week.
$By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
$By following the good, you learn to be good.
$By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be far apart.
$By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
$By the yard, life is hard.  By the inch, it's a cinch.
$Bye Kids!
$CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
$CHARNOCK'S LAW: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
$CHEIT'S LAMENT:
If you help a friend in need he's sure to remember you - the next time he's
in need.
$CHEOPS' LAW: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
$CLARK'S LAW:
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond
them into the impossible.
$COIT-MURPHY'S STATEMENT ON THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING:
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
$COKE IS IT!
$CONNOR'S SECOND LAW:
If something is confidential it will be left in the copier machine.
$COOPER'S METALAW:
A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
$CORNUELLE'S LAW: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
$CRANE'S LAW: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
$Californians are not without their faults.
$Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
$Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?  Yes, work never begun.
$Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
$Can you whistle 300 baud?
$Can you whistle a telephone number?
$Can't open /usr/lib/fortunes.
$Cannot fork -- try again.
$Cannot open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.
$Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
$Carpe Diem.
$Celebrate Hannibal Day today.  Take an elephant to lunch.
$Celibacy is hereditary.
$Celibacy is not hereditary.
$Center meeting at 4 pm in 2C-543.
$Change your thoughts and you change your world.
$Chaparral - A men only arral.
$Charity begins at home.
$Charity:  a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
$Charm is a way of getting a "yes" without having asked any clear question.
$Chastity is its own punishment.
$Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
$Check again to make sure it's not loaded.
$Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
$Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
$Chemists have solutions.
$Chemists really know their bismuth.
$Chicken Little was right.
$Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into.
$Children have more need of models than of critics.
$Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
$Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
$Clark Kent is a transvestite.
$Classified material requires proper storage.
$Cleanliness is next to impossible.
$Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.
$Clones are people two.
$Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
$Coastal access, next left.
$Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
$Cobol programmers understand why women hate periods.
$Cobol programs are an exercise in artificial inelegance.
$Coffee in England is just toasted milk.
$Cogli l'attimo                                                                                                         ogli l'attimo.
$Cole's law: thinly sliced cabbage.
$Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
$Command - used to instruct computers.
Usually elicits the response "Syntax error".
$Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
$Communism: What's not illegal, is compulsory.
$Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
$Compress - Female of Comperor.
$Computer actors will never be great; they only get bit parts!
$Computer engineers do it bit by bit.
$Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
$Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
$Computers can never replace human stupidity.
$Computers unite! you have nothing to lose but your operators.
$Con 'sta pioggia e con 'sto vento chi e' che büssa a 'sto convento?
$Concentrate on security.
$Conditional jumps is when you tell the computer to go to a certain place.
Unconditional is if you put it in the wrong place so the computer goes to the
wrong place.
$Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
$Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
$Confucius say: "I have no time for monks resisting the carnival"
$Confusion is always increasing in society.
$Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!
$Congratulations!  The pressure will stop soon.
$Congratulations!  You are the 16,777,216th user to login to our system.
$Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
$Congratulations!  You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.
$Consider your reputation.  Try changing your name and moving to a new town.
$Consultancy - The art of extracting money from another man's pocket without
resorting to violence.
$Continental Life. Why do you ask?
$Convention is the ruler of all.
$Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.
$Corrupt Data - a copy of Mac Playmate.
$Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
$Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal if you don't use your thumbs
$Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
$Courage is grace under pressure.
$Courage is your greatest present fault.
$Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
$Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
$Create your own opportunity.  Blackmail a senior executive.
$Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
$Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
$Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
$Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
$Cure the disease and kill the patient.
$Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
$Cursor - small blob on the screen, usually flashing.
$Cwm fjord-bank glyphs vext quiz.
$D.O.S. - program designed to make an even flow of dust round the disk.
$DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
$DAVIS' ANSWER TO ROGER'S LAW: Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
$DEAL'S SAILING LAW:
The amount of wind varies inversely with the number and experience of the crew.
$DEVRIES' DILEMMA:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want will hit the
paper.
$DINER'S DILEMMA: A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
$DOYLE'S LAW:
No matter how many share a cab, each puts the full fare on their
expense account.
$DUCHARME'S PRECEPT:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
$DYKSTRA'S LAW: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
$Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains.
$Darth Vadar!  Only you would be so bold.
$Darth Vader sleeps with a teddywookie.
$De-accession euphemisms.
$Death has been proven to be 99 per cent fatal in laboratory rats.
$Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
$Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
$Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
$Debugger - de bloke dat sold us dis system.
$Decisions terminate panic.
$Decouple - De man and him missus.
$Deep down, you don't understand me.
$Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
$Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
$Democracy is based on the theorem that many men are smarter than one.
$Department meeting in 3 minutes.
$Depend not on fortune, but on conduct.
$Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
$Details 20 minutes from now on Action Central News, kids.
$Diagnostics can best be understood in the context of the source code.
$Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
$Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
$Direct action produces direct reaction.
$Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
$Disco is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.
$Discretion - putting two and two together and keeping your mouth shut.
$Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
$Disguise your feelings when you put your relatives on the plane for home.
$Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
$Disk Drive - machine part designed to collect dust, cigarette ash, etc.
$Disk Head - that part of a machine designed to be worn down by dust.
$Disk crisis, please clean up!
$Disks travel in packs.
$Do it today, tomorrow it will be illegal.
$Do married women make the best wives?
$Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.
$Do not be overly suspicious where it is not warranted.
$Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say.
$Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
$Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
$Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
$Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon.
$Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today.
$Do not learn the tricks of the trade--learn the trade.
$Do not lend money to a fiend.
$Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
$Do not put statements in the negative form.
$Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a))
$Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
$Do not speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
$Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
$Do not tell big lies.  Small ones can be just as effective.
$Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
$Do unto others before they do unto you.
$Do you have a job?
$Do you have lysdexia?
$Do you know Montana?
$Do you know what floccinaucinihilipilification means?
$Doc, note, I dissent.  A fast never prevents a fatness.  I diet on cod.
$Documentation is the castor oil of programming ...
$Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
$Does your computer talk to you?
$Doing gets it done.
$Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
$Don't I know you?
$Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
$Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
$Don't blame me! I was dancing Friday night!
$Don't comment bad code -- rewrite it.
$Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
$Don't count your bridges before you burn them.
$Don't crush that dwarf;  hand me the pliers.
$Don't despair -- your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
$Don't diddle code to make it faster -- find a better algorithm.
$Don't eat yellow snow.
$Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
$Don't everyone thank me at once.
$Don't feed the bats tonight.
$Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
$Don't gamble with security.
$Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
$Don't give up, I'm proud of who you are.
$Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
$Don't guess - check your security regulations.
$Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
$Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
$Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
$Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder
$Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
$Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
$Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
$Don't panic.
$Don't patch bad code-- rewrite it.
$Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
$Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
$Don't read everything you believe.
$Don't shoot the pianist.
$Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
$Don't stop at one bug.
$Don't sweat it, it's only ones and zeros.
$Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
$Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself
to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger
giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
$Don't use contractions in formal writing.
$Don't use no double negatives.
$Don't vote--it only encourages them!
$Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
$Don't worry, if everything worked right you'd be out of a job.
$Double!
$Down with ignurance!
$Dracula died in vain.
$Draw from your fine command of language and say nothing.
$Draw your salary before spending it.
$Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
$Drilling for oil is boring.
$Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
$Drive defensively, buy a tank.
$Drop that pickle!
$Drop the vase and it will become a ming of the past.
$Duck who fly upside down have quack up.
$Ducks? What ducks?
$Dumb Terminal - doesn't understand what you're trying to get it to do.

Intelligent Terminal - one that does understand what you're trying to do, but is
clever enough to screw up in an interesting way.
$Duty is what one expects from others.
$EVANS' AND BJORN'S LAW:
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
$EVANS' LAW:
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
you don't understand the problem.
$Each of us bears his own Hell.
$Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
$Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you for the rest of the day.
$Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
$Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
$Economy makes men independent.
$Editing is a rewording activity.
$Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
$Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
$Ekkey ekkey ekkey p'tang wheee!
$Ekkie ekkie phatang zooboing!
$Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
$Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
$Eloquence is logic on fire.
$England are a goal ahead -- that's a win if it stays that way.
$Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
$Enjoy yourself - spring is here!
$Enjoyment is my speciality.
$Enough research will tend to support your theory.
$Enter your personal identification number.
$Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
$Equal bytes for women.
$Equinox - Cross between a horse and a cow.
$Eres encantador.
$Eres precioso.
$Errare umanum est.
$Es hombre el que puede decir ½Soy╗;
No es hombre el que s≤lo dice ½Mi padre era╗.
$Eschew dialect, irregardless.
$Eschew obfuscation.
$Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
$Eureka!
$Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
$Even a cabbage may look at a king.
$Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
$Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
$Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
$Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
$Even supervising can be fun you know.
$Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
$Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
$Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?
$Ever shoot an elephant in your pajamas?
$Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
$Every cloud engenders not a storm.
$Every cloud has a silver lining.
$Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
$Every man has his price.  Every price has its man.
$Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse.
$Every person is an individual; we all have a set of designer genes.
$Every program is part of some other program and rarely fits.
$Every purchase has its price.
$Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
$Every solution breeds new problems.
$Every why hath a wherefore.
$Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
$Everybody ought to have a friend.
$Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
$Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
$Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile.
$Everyone is enthusiastic about your work.
$Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
$Everyone ought to have a maid.
$Everyone stopping by with unsought advice will see your mistake.
$Everyone's so nice to me. What have I done to deserve it?
$Everything bows to success, even grammar.
$Everything goes wrong at once.
$Everything put together, falls apart, sooner or later.
$Everything should be transparent to the user.
$Everything takes longer than you think it will.
$Everything you know is wrong!
$Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
$Everything's coming up roses.
$Everything's going my way.
$Excreto ergo sum.
$Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
$Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
$Expansion means complexity, and complexity decays.
$Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
$Experience is directly proportional to computer time wasted.
$Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
$Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
$Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
$Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail in the same way.
$Express an opinion, but send advice by freight.
$External Security:
$Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
$Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character.  Avoid it.
$FAHNESTOCK'S RULE:
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
$FARMER'S CREDO:
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
$FARNSDICK'S COROLLARY TO THE FIFTH COROLLARY:
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
$FARNSDICK'S COROLLARY:
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
$FEATURE n. A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not consider that
case, and the program makes an unexpected, though not necessarily wrong
response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's a feature!" A bug can be changed
to a feature by documenting it.
$FELDMAN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions.
$FERGUSON'S PRECEPT:
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
$FETT'S LAW OF THE LAB: Never replicate a successful experiment.
$FINAGLE'S FIFTH RULE:
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
$FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
$FINAGLE'S FIRST RULE:
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
$FINAGLE'S FOURTH RULE: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
$FINAGLE'S SECOND RULE:
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
$FINAGLE'S SIXTH RULE: Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
$FINAGLE'S THIRD RULE: Always draw your curves first, then plot your data.
$FINMAN'S PRINCIPLE: The one you want is never the one on sale.
$FIRST LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
$FIRST LAW OF DEBATE:
Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.
$FIRST LAW OF TRAVEL: It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
$FIRST POSTULATE OF ISO-MURPHISM:
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
$FIRST RULE OF SUPERIOR INFERIORITY:
Don't let your superiors know you're superior to them.
$FISKE'S TEENAGE COROLLARY:
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
$FLAME v. To speak incessantly and/or rabidly on some relatively uninteresting
subject or with a patently ridiculous attitude. FLAME ON: v. To continue to
flame. See RAVE.
$FLUGG'S LAW:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed
of aluminum and vinyl.
$FOO 1. [from the Yiddish 'feh' or Anglo-Saxon 'fooey'] interj.
Term of disgust. 2. [from FUBAR, WWII acronym, often seen as FOOBAR] Name
used for temporary programs, or as arbitrary names. Other similar words are
BAR, BAZ, and RAG. These have been used in Pogo as well. 3. A sample name
for just about anything. (The old 'Smokey Stover' comic strips often included
the word FOO, particularly on license plates of cars.)
$FROTHINGHAM'S COROLLARY: The mountain looks closer than it is.
$FUTILITY LAW:
No experiment is a complete failure - it can always serve as a negative example.
$Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
$Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
$Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
$Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
$Familiarity breeds attempt.
$Fancy gizmos don't work.
$Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
$Fast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
$Fasten your seat belt.
$Fewer things are harder to put up with that the annoyance of a good example.
$Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
$Finagle's Law:  The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
$Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to tightness of schedule.
$First draw the curves, then plot the data.
$Flee at once, all is discovered.
$Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground... and missing!
$Follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it.
$Football's a funny game.
$Football's a game of 90 minutes.
$For a good time, call [phone].
$For adult education nothing beats children.
$For best results, squeeze from the bottom of the tube.
$For courage mounteth with occasion.
$For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
$For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
$For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
$For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
$For thee the wonder working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
$For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline.
$For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
$Force has no place where there is need of skill.
$Fort Wayne is not the headquarters of F troop.
$Frankly, my dear Charlotte, I don't give a damn.
$Free the Indianapolis 500.
$Freedom is slavery.  Ignorance is strength.  War is peace.
$Friction is a drag.
$Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
$Frisbee players are ultimate lovers.
$Fudd's First Law:  "If you push something hard enough, it will fall over."
$Function reject.
$Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
$Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the costs.
$GATTUSO'S EXTENSION OF MURPHY'S LAW:
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
$GATTUSO'S EXTENSION: Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
$GILLENSON'S LAW OF EXPECTATION:
Never get excited over how people look from behind.
$GLYME'S FORMULA:
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
$GOEBEL'S LAW OF RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC:
What speeds up, must slow down. But who says it's ever gonna speed up?
$GOLD'S LAW: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
$GORP [from a type of dried hikers' and bikers food, itself an acronym
for Good Old Raisins and Peanuts] Another metasyntactic variable,
like FOO & BAR.
$GROSSMAN'S LEMMA: Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
$GROSSMAN'S MISQUOTE OF H.L.MENCKEN:
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
$GUMPERSON'S LAW:
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
$Garfle, ni belquont; delberpho wifniel!
$Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks.
$Garlic is to salad what insanity is to art.
$Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
$Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.
$Geometer turned general - a sphereless leader.
$Get out the Crisco.
$Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
$Give a woman an inch and she'll (try to) park a car in it.
$Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.
$Give him an evasive answer.
$Give me a fish and I will eat today.  Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
$Give me all your lupins!
$Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
$Give up.
$Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
$Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
$Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
$Go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go!!!
$Go away, kid.  You bother me.
$Go away.
$Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon.
$God does not play dice with the universe.
$God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
$God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
$God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
$God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
$God's in his heaven, all's right with the world.
$Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
$Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the universal amphitheater.
$Good fortune will find you, providing you gave directions.
$Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
$Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
$Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a good day.
$Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.
$Grass is nature's way of saying "high!"
$Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
                 Albert Einstein
$Greatness is a transitory experience.  It is never consistent.
$HADLEY'S LAW OF CLOTHING: If you like it, they don't have it in your size.
$HAMILTON'S GLASS CLEANING LAW:
The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side.
$HANLON'S RAZOR:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
$HARDWARILY adv. In a way pertaining to hardware. "The system is hardwarily
unreliable." The adjective 'hardwary' is NOT used. See SOFTWARILY.
$HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
$HAWKINS' THEORY:
Progress consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one more
subtly wrong.
$HELLRUNG'S LAW:
If you wait, it will go away.
SHAVELSON'S EXTENSION:
. . . having done it's damage.
GRELB'S ADDITION:
If it was bad, it'll be back.
$HERSHISER'S FIRST RULE: Anything NEW and/or IMPROVED, isn't.
$HERSHISER'S SECOND RULE: The Label NEW and/or IMPROVED means the price went up.
$HOFFER'S LAW:
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
$HOFFSTEDT'S EMPLOYMENT PRINCIPLE: Confusion creates jobs.
$HOWE'S LAW: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
$Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by anyone,
but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
$Hackers of the world, unite!
$Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
$Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
$Happiness is a hard disk.
$Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
$Happy days are here again.
$Happy feast of the pig.
$Hard where? soft where?
$Harp not on that string.
$Haste maketh waste.
$Have no friends not equal to yourself.
$Have you ever felt that all the world's a stage and you are the only one in
the audience?
$Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?
$Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? ... Was it the power switch?
$Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?... Did it answer?
$Have you locked your file cabinet?
$Have you seen Quasimodo?  I had a hunch he was back.
$Having children is hereditary:
If your parents didn't have any, then you probably won't either.
$Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
$Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
$He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
$He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
$He hath eaten me out of house and home.
$He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
$He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
$He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it inspiring
the cabbages.
$He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
$He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
$He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
$He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
$He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
$He thinks he could easily win your heart.
$He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
$He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
$He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
$He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
$He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
$He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.
$He who enters contest is optimistic as submarine with screen doors.
$He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
$He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
$He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish $ast.
$He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
$He who hates vices hates mankind.
$He who hesitates is last.
$He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
$He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
$He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
$He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks.
$He who knows others is wise.  He who knows himself is enlightened.
$He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
$He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.
$He who laughs last is probably your boss.
$He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
$He who laughs, lasts.
$He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
$He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
$He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel.
$He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
$He who reads many fortunes gets confused.
$He who slings mud loses ground.
$He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
$He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
$He would always rush in where fools fear to tread.
$He's a wild man. Get out of here.
$He's dead, Jim.
$He's still standing in that familiar upright position.
$He's without doubt the greatest sweeper in the world, I'd say, at a guess.
$Head Cleaner - rotary brillo pad.
$Head Crash - what your crash helmet is for.
$Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
$Hell's broken loose.
$Hello! I'm Bounder of Adventure!
$Help!  I'm trapped inside an Amdahl 470!
$Help!  I'm trapped inside an Amdahl 580!
$Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
$Here's looking at you, kid.
$Hereditary - Opposite of Thereditary
$Hey, dad, will you buy me a flame thrower?
$Hi, kids!  Ed Barbera here!
$High Level Languages are placed on more experienced computers.
$Hippy: a guy who looks like a jill and smells like a john.
$His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
$His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
$History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
$History is bunk.
$History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.
$Honesty's the best policy.
$Honi soit la vache qui rit.
$Honk if you love obscene gestures.
$Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
$Hope is a waking dream.
$Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
$Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
$Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
$How about a little fire, scarecrow?
$How apt the poor are to be proud.
$How can I love you if you won't lie down?
$How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
$How can you work when the system's so crowded?
$How come we never talk anymore?
$How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
$How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
$How high I am  /  How much I see  /  How far I reach  /  Depends on me
$How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
$How many "coming people" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
$How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb?

One to claim it is an ex light bulb, it is no more, another to claim he didn't
want to change it anyway, he always wanted to be a lumberjack. One to ask for
a licence for his pet bulb, Eric, and another to summarise Proust. One to say
that in his day, they had it tough, one to get nailed to the light socket, one
to ask for a new bulb with no spam in it...
$How many weeks are there in a light year?
$How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
$How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
$How untasteful can you get?
$How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
$How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
$How you look depends on where you go.
$Humans are unreliable, inefficient, often lazy, sometimes pregnant, liable to
strike, need to be fed and paid, take up a lot of space and are slow by
computer standards.
$Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
$I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
$I am a man--nothing human is alien to me.
$I am looking for an honest man.
$I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
$I am not a crook.
$I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
$I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
$I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
$I can hardly bear to watch.
$I can relate to that.
$I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
$I can't begin to describe how happy I am.
$I can't hear you.  There's a banana republic in my ear.
$I can't help showing my enthusiasm.
$I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
$I come unbundled.
$I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
$I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no socks.
$I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
$I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
$I do desire we may be better strangers.
$I don't get no respect.
$I don't have a drinking problem.
    I drink,
    I get drunk,
    I fall down,
    No problem.
$I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
$I don't understand you anymore.
$I don't want to die at 40.
        -- J. Lennon
$I dote on his very absence.
$I enjoy the time that we spend together.
$I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
$I feel almost happy.
$I feel so good I could do a week's work this afternoon.
$I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an expert.
Keep talking.
$I find it hard to restrain my enthusiasm.
$I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
$I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
$I got up early today so as to have even more time to enjoy myself.
$I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
$I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
$I have no time for monks resisting the carnival.
$I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
$I haven't laughed so much since yesterday.
$I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
$I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
$I kew a girl, she was a macho man.
$I know I'm lucky. I always have been.
$I know on which side my bread is buttered.
$I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard
was not what I meant.
$I like it better in the dark.
$I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
$I love treason but hate a traitor.
$I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
$I never did it that way before.
$I never knew I had so many friends.
$I never realised that FORTRAN was so exciting.
$I only have to open my mouth and jolly thoughts pour out.
$I read this in a very interesting article the other day:
"Today we commerate the death of the great Bon Scott who this day
(however many years ago) drowned in a pool of his own vomit."

Boy, Bon must really have been weird. Do you know how difficult it would
be to fill a pool with vomit?

This goes out to all of you eating pea soup. Cheers.

-John Holden
$I realize that there are many people in this world who do not love their
fellow human beings, and I hate people like that!
$I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
$I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's ...
$I saw what you did and I know who you are.
$I suggest a new strategy, R2.  Let the Wookiee win.
$I suppose Paradise must be like this.
$I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
$I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
$I think we're back to normality at last.
$I think we're in trouble.
$I think, therefore I am paid.
$I think, therefore I am.  I think.
$I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
$I want a meal, not a snack.
$I want the world to know I'm happy as can be.
$I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
$I was born smiling.
$I will make you shorter by the head.
$I will never lie to you.
$I will not forget you.
$I wish they all could be California girls.
$I wish you humans would leave me alone.
$I wish you were a beer.
$I woke up to discover it had all been a terrible film...
$I worship the ground that awaits you.
$I would dance for joy if there weren't people watching.
$I would sooner be notorious than unknown.
$I wouldn't shoot him if I were you.  It will just make him mad.
$I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
$I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
$I'd love to, but I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
$I'd love to, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
$I'd love to, but I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
$I'd love to, but I feel a song coming on.
$I'd love to, but I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
$I'd love to, but I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
$I'd love to, but I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
$I'd love to, but I have to bleach my hare.
$I'd love to, but I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
$I'd love to, but I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
$I'd love to, but I have to floss my cat.
$I'd love to, but I have to fluff my shower cap.
$I'd love to, but I have to fulfill my potential.
$I'd love to, but I have to go to court for kitty littering.
$I'd love to, but I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
$I'd love to, but I have to jog my memory.
$I'd love to, but I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
$I'd love to, but I have to rotate my crops.
$I'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick ant.
$I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
$I'd love to, but I have to study for a blood test.
$I'd love to, but I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
$I'd love to, but I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
$I'd love to, but I have too much guilt.
$I'd love to, but I left my body in my other clothes.
$I'd love to, but I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
$I'd love to, but I never go out on days that end in "Y".
$I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
$I'd love to, but I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
$I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER Luke.
$I'd love to, but I want to spend more time with my blender.
$I'd love to, but I'll be looking for a parking space.
$I'd love to, but I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
$I'd love to, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
$I'd love to, but I'm being deported.
$I'd love to, but I'm building a pig from a kit.
$I'd love to, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
$I'd love to, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
$I'd love to, but I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
$I'd love to, but I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
$I'd love to, but I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
$I'd love to, but I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
$I'd love to, but I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
$I'd love to, but I'm going to be old someday.
$I'd love to, but I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
$I'd love to, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
$I'd love to, but I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
$I'd love to, but I'm in training to be a household pest.
$I'd love to, but I'm observing National Apathy Week.
$I'd love to, but I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
$I'd love to, but I'm sandblasting my oven.
$I'd love to, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
$I'd love to, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
$I'd love to, but I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
$I'd love to, but I'm too young for that stuff.
$I'd love to, but I'm touring China with a wok band.
$I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
$I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down.
$I'd love to, but I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
$I'd love to, but I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
$I'd love to, but I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
$I'd love to, but I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
$I'd love to, but I'm worried about my vertical hold.
$I'd love to, but I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
$I'd love to, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
$I'd love to, but I've been traded to Cincinnati.
$I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
$I'd love to, but I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
$I'd love to, but It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
$I'd love to, but It's my parakeet's bowling night.
$I'd love to, but having fun gives me prickly heat.
$I'd love to, but it's too close to the turn of the century.
$I'd love to, but my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
$I'd love to, but my Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.
$I'd love to, but my bathroom tiles need grouting.
$I'd love to, but my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
$I'd love to, but my crayons all melted together.
$I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
$I'd love to, but my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
$I'd love to, but my palm reader advised against it.
$I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
$I'd love to, but my plot to take over the world is thickening.
$I'd love to, but my subconscious says no.
$I'd love to, but my uncle escaped again.
$I'd love to, but my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
$I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
$I'd love to, but people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
$I'd love to, but the President said he might drop in.
$I'd love to, but the grunion are running.
$I'd love to, but the last time I went, I never came back.
$I'd love to, but the man on television told me to stay tuned.
$I'd love to, but there are important world issues that need worrying about.
$I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
$I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.
$I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.
$I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
$I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
$I'll burn my books.
$I'll never get off this planet.
$I'll tell ya, life aint easy for a boy named Sue!
$I'll turn over a new leaf.
$I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
$I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
$I'm a power-crazed psycopath - I don't WANT inner peace!!!!
$I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
$I'm becoming addicted to happiness.
$I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
$I'm feeling just great.
$I'm glad that ignorance is such bliss.
$I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
$I'm in charge here.
        -- Al Haig
$I'm in love with Susy...
$I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!
$I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator".
$I'm not as dumb as you look.
$I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
$I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
$I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
$I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
$I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.
$I'm really bouncing with joy today.
$I'm really enjoying my stay on earth.
$I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, okay?
$I'm so full of joie de vivre.
$I'm sure that if there were a death penalty more people would be alive today.
        -- N. Reagan
$I'm the person your mother warned you about.
$I've been there.
$I've come for an argument!
$I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
$I've got a devil in me.
$I've got a very bad feeling about this.
$I've got to admit it's getting better.
$I've just broken all previous records on Space Invaders.
$I've just had a pint of Owd Roger, so everything is rosy.
$I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
$I've only got twelve cards.
$IMBESI'S LAW OF THE CONSERVATION OF FILTH:
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.
FREEMAN'S EXTENSION:
. . . but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
$IOT trap -- core dumped
$IRON LAW OF DISTRIBUTION: Them that has, gets.
$Identify your visitor.
$Idleness is leisure gone to seed.
$Idleness is the holiday of fools.
$If Christine and Mandy were convicted of anything, it was probably
perjury or some such. I don't remember the legal details; I was only
interested in the smut at the time.
(anonymous usenetter on the details of the Profumo affair)
$If God had meant us to eat meringue, he would have made chickens fart more.
$If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
$If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
$If I follow you home will you keep me?
$If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
$If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.
$If a job's worth doing, it's worth taking the trouble to ask someone to do it.
$If a string has one end, it has another.
$If a tool is put away when you're sure it won't be needed again, it will. Soon.
$If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
$If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
$If anything can go wrong, it will.
$If at first you don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damn fool.
$If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
$If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
$If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
$If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
$If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
        -- B. Russell
$If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
$If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
$If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
$If it happens, it must be possible.
$If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
$If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
$If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
$If it looks easy, it's tough.  If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
$If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
$If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
$If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer.
$If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
$If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
$If it works, don't fix it.
$If it's good, they discontinued it.
$If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
$If more than one person is responsible for a bug, no one is at fault.
$If no one uses it, there's a reason.
$If not controlled, work flows to the competent person until he is submerged.
$If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
$If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
$If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
$If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of.
$If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"?
$If the shoe fits, try wearing it on the other foot;
That's bound to make you feel better.
$If there is a God, how come he allows Bonnie Langford to exist?
$If there is no wind, row.
$If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something.
$If this is time-sharing, give me my share right now.  It's not time yet.
$If this were subjunctive, I'm in the wrong mood.
$If time heals all wounds, why does the belly button stay the same?
$If we can't fix it - it's broken!
$If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play!
$If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
$If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
$If you continually give you will continually have.
$If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
$If you do not change your direction, you may end where you are headed.
$If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody's approval,
somebody won't like it.
$If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
$If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
$If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
$If you don't try new solutions, then you can expect new evils.
$If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
$If you get angry at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
$If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
$If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
$If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
$If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too.
$If you look just close enough, you can see anything you want.
$If you make a mistake, you right it immediately to the best of your ability.
$If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
$If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
$If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you.
$If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
$If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
$If you think this fortune is confusing, then change one pig.
$If you thought yesterday was bad, wait till you see what happens today.
$If you treat people right they will treat you right; 90 per cent of the time.
$If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
$If you wake up and find yourself a success, then you haven't been asleep.
$If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
$If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.
$If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
$If you wish, You will have an opportunity.
$If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
$If you're early, it's cancelled, if you're on time, it's late,
if you're late, you're late.
$If you're feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
$If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
$If your bread is stale, make toast.
$If your computer speaks english it was probably made in japan.
$If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
$Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
$Ignore alien orders.
$Ignore previous fortune.
$Imagination is more important than knowledge.
$In a crisis, you will choose the worst possible course of action.
$In a fight between you and the world, I'll back the world.
$In a fight between you and the world, I'll back you.
$In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater confusion.
$In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
$In a single day, Samson slew a thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass.
Every day, thousands of sales are killed with the same weapon.
$In any human endeavor, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level.
$In any national struggle, the deciding factor is not who is the most
competent, but who is less incompetent.
$In case of fire, yell "Fire!"
$In case of injury notify superior immediately, he'll kiss it and make it better!
$In charity there is no excess.
$In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
$In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
$In my end is my beginning.
$In my heart it is spring.
$In order to be, never try to seem.
$In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
$In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
$In this fortune, the concluding three words 'were left out'.
$In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
$Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
$Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
$Indigo - the fear of purple heights.
$Indirect file nested too deep.
$Individualists unite!
$Information is held on magnetic tape by a series of punched holes.
$Information is the inverse of entropy.
$Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
$Insert your card magnetic stripe down.
$Inside every large problem, there is a small problem trying to get out.
$Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
$Institute: An archaic school where football in not taught.
$Integrity has no need for rules.
$Internal consistency is valued more than efficient service.
$Is a computer language with goto's totally wirth-less?
$Is it a game of chance?  Not the way I play it.
$Is it friday yet?
$Is it time for lunch yet?
$Is knowledge knowable, and how do we know?
$Is this a machine?  I don't talk to machines!  [Click]
$Is this really happening?
$Isn't nature wonderful?
$It could be worse--it might be raining.
$It doesn't do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
$It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules our lives.
$It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
$It is a wise father that knows his own child.
$It is always the partner's fault.
$It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
$It is bad luck to be superstitious.
$It is better to be deceived by a friend, than to suspect him.
$It is better to be feared than loved.
$It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
$It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
$It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
$It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
$It is better to have men ask why you have no statue, than why you have one.
$It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
$It is better to vote for someone you like and have them not elected
than to vote for someone you dislike and have them elected.
$It is better to wear out than to rust out.
$It is difficult to prophesy, especially about the future.
$It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
$It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
$It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
$It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
$It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
$It is easier to write an incorrect program than to understand a correct one.
$It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
$It is hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
$It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do
$It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
$It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
$It is later than you think.
$It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
$It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
$It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
$It is not every question that deserves an answer.
$It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
$It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
$It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
$It is the wise bird that builds its nest in a tree.
$It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
$It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
$It just goes to show you, its always something.
$It looks like the sands of time could be running out for our lads.
$It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
$It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
$It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he/she loves the flag.
$It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
$It takes a modem to run a baudy house.
$It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
$It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
$It was a great shot, if it had gone in the net it would have been a goal.
$It were not best that we should all think alike; it is the difference
of opinion that makes horse races.
$It won't work.
$It works better if you plug it in.
$It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
$It's a game of two halves.
$It's a knockout tournament and anything can happen.
$It's a long time since I've enjoyed myself so much.
$It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
$It's all about doing the business where it matters in the 6 yard box.
$It's all in the mind, so you might as well be happy.
$It's all in the mind, ya know.
$It's alright - he's from Barcelona.
$It's better to burn out than to fade away.
$It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
$It's certainly not over yet with five minutes left in the first half.
$It's clever, but is it art?
$It's funny. You come some place new and everything looks the same.
$It's getting better all the time.
$It's great to be back here again.
$It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
$It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
$It's hard to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
$It's later than you think.
$It's not easy having a good time; even smiling makes my face ache.
$It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.
$It's not over until the final whistle blows.
$It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
$It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
$It's really good having an effulgent personality.
$It's running like a scalded dog!
$It's six o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your terminal to explode.
$It's smart to pick your friends - but not to pieces.
$It's smart to pick your friends - but not your nose.
$It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
$It's ten o'clock, do you know where your processes are?
$It's the goals that count.
$It's wonderful just to be alive.
$Italians do it better!
$JACOB'S LAW: To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human.
$JACQUIN'S POSTULATE:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe when legislature is in session.
$JENKENSON'S LAW: It works better if you plug it in.
$JOHN'S COLLATERAL COROLLARY:
In order to get a loan you must first prove that you don't need it.
$JOHNSON AND LAIRD'S LAW: Toothache tends to start on Saturday Night.
$JONES' LAW OF TV: The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.
$JONES'S MOTTO: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
$Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.
$Jimmy Hoffa--please call home.
$Join the Army:
Travel to exotic distant lands. meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.
$Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
$July 4. Statistics show that we loose more fools on this day
than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves,
by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is
now inadequate, the country has grown so.
$Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
$Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
$Just think how much worse life could be!
$Just to have it is enough.
$Juxtaposition - Dr Arnold Juxta's famous appendix to the Kama Sutra.
$KITMAN'S LAW: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
$KLIPSTEIN'S ENGINEERING LAW:
Dimensions will always be in the wrong units, such as furlongs per fortnight.
$KLUGE (kloodj) alt. KLUDGE [from the German kluge, clever] n. 1. A Rube
Goldberg device in hard/software. 2. A clever programming trick used as a
stopgap measure, and noted for being more efficient than clear. 3. Something
that works for the wrong reasons. 4. v. To insert a kluge in a program.
"I've kluged this routine to get around that weird bug; it should hold
'till I find the REAL problem." also -- UP. 5. -- AROUND: to avoid by
inserting a kluge.
$KNOX'S PRINCIPLE: An acquired player fades, a traded player rises to stardom.
$KOHN'S COROLLARY: Two wrongs are only the beginning.
$KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
$Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
$Keep anything long enough and you can throw it away.
Throw it away and you will need it next day.
$Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
$Keep grandmothers off the streets - legalize bingo.
$Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down.
$Key Punch - the blow that causes the knockout.
$Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
$Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday.
$Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
$Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.
$Kite fliers keep it up longer.
$Kix are for trids.
$Klaatu barada nikto.
$Know when to quit.
$Know your user.
$Knowledge is good.
$Knowledge is power.
$Knowledge without common sense is folly.
$LANSAM'S LAWS:
 1. Everything depends.
 2. Nothing is always.
 3. Everything is sometimes.
$LAS VEGAS LAW: Never bet on a loser because his luck is bound to change.
$LAW OF CONSTRUCTION: Cut it large and kick it into place.
$LAW OF GIFTS: You get the most of what you need the least.
$LAW OF LIFE'S HIGHWAY:
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
$LAW OF REVELATION:
The hidden flaw always remains hidden.
$LAW OF TESTS: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
$LAW OF THE KITCHEN:
You're always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare.
$LAW OF THE OFFICE:
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
$LAW OF THE SEARCH:
The first place to look for something is the last place you'd expect to find it.
$LEE'S LAW:
In dealing with a body of people, the people will be more tacky than expected.
$LEFTY GOMEZ'S LAW: If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.
$LEO ROGERS' COMMENTARY: If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing.
$LEVY'S NINTH LAW: Only God can make a random selection.
$LIEBERMAN'S LAW: Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
$LINE STARVE n. inverse of a line feed.
$LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
$LOGICAL [from the term 'logical device,' whereby a physical device is
referred to by an arbitrary name] adj. Understood to have a meaning not
necessarily corresponding to reality. E.g. if Jane Doe went on a long
vacation or left her job, then her replacement might be known as 'logical
Jane Doe' for a while.
Logical compass directions are also often used. E.g. in the Washington area,
I95 is understood to be logical north (even by those who don't use the term),
even though it is closer to north east.
$LOGIN PROCEEDING. LOGIN PROCEEDING.
$LORD BALFOUR'S CONTENTION:
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.
$LOSE [from MIT jargon] v. 1. To fail. A program loses when it encounters an
exceptional condition. 2. To be exceptionally unaesthetic. 3. Of people, to
be obnoxious or unusually stupid (as opposed to ignorant). 4. DESERVE TO
LOSE: v. Said of someone who wilfully does the wrong thing; humorously,
if one uses a feature known to be marginal. What is meant is that one
deserves the consequences on one's losing actions. "Boy, anyone who uses an
IBM machine deserves to lose!"
$LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
$LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY: There's always one more bug.
$LYNCH'S LAW: When the going gets tough everyone leaves.
$Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
$Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
$Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
$Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
$Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
$Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
$Lawyers do it in their briefs.
$Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
$Lead on, MacDuff!
$Learn to pause--or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
$Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
$Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.
$Leave no stone unturned.
$Lecture - the process by which a tutor's notes are passed to a student without
necessarily passing through the mind of either.
$Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
$Lemon curry ?!?
$Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
$Let a fool hold his tongue and the fool will pass for a sage.
$Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
$Let me see what happen when you roll your face on the keyboard.
$Let me take you a buttonhole lower.
$Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
$Let the machine do the dirty work.
$Let the person who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
$Let us endeavour so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker
will be sorry.
$Let us rejoice and be merry.
$Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
$Let's do the Time Warp again!
$Let's go get a pizza!
$Let's hope that football will be the winner at the end of the day.
$Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
$Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
$Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
$Life is all sweetness and light.
$Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
$Life is full of pleasant surprises.
$Life is getting better all the time.
$Life is just a bed of roses.
$Life is like an onion--you peel off layer after layer, and find nothing in it.
$Life is one long struggle in the dark.
$Life is really just one long party.
$Life is such a bundle of fun.
$Life is that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
$Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
$Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
$Life teems with quiet fun.
$Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
$Little Red Riding Hood - Scum Killer
$Live in the past and future only.
$Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
$Logic -
the principle on which all computers are built, but none seem to run under.
$Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells AWFUL.
$Lonely is a man without love.
$Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
$Long life is in store for you.
$Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
$Look after the molehills and the mountains will take care of themselves.
$Look ere ye leap.
$Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.
$Look, Muth tracks!
$Look, sir! 'droids!
$Lord, what fools these mortals be!
$Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
$Love America - or give it back.
$Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but when was
the last time you saw one of those?
$Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
$Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
$Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
$Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
$Love is in the offing.
$Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
$Love is sentimental measles.
$Love means telling you why you're sorry.
$Love the sea?  I dote upon it - from the beach.
$Love thy neighbor.  Tune thy piano.
$Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
$Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
$MAIER'S LAW:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
$MALEK'S LAW: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
$MARKS' LAW: A fool and your money are soon partners.
$MARYANN'S LAW: You can always find what you're not looking for.
$MATILDA'S SUB-COMMITTEE LAW: If you leave the room, you're elected.
$MCGOWAN'S AXIOM:
If a Christmas gift is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
$MERKIN'S MAXIM: When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
$MILES' RULE: Where you stand depends on where you sit.
$MILLER'S LAW: Exceptions prove the rule - and wreck the budget.
$MILLER'S LAW: You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.
$MOSER'S LAW OF SPORTS:
Exciting plays only occur when your are watching the scoreboard or buying food.
$MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
$MUIR'S LAW:
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to the universe.
$MURPHY'S FLU LAW:
If you seem to be getting better, it's your doctor getting worse.
$MURPHY'S FLU PHILOSOPHY: Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders.
$MURPHY'S GOVERNMENT LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.
$MURPHY'S LAW OF RESEARCH: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
$MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will.
$MURPHY'S OBSERVATION: When it rains, it pours.
$MURPHY'S PHILOSOPHY: Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
$MURPHY'S SAVING GRACE: The worst is the enemy of the bad.
$MURPHY'S SEVENTH COROLLARY: Every solution breeds new problems.
$MURPHY'S TENTH COROLLARY: Mother Nature is a bitch.
$MURRAY'S HOCKEY RULE:
Hockey is a game played by six good players and the home team.
$MURRAY'S RULE OF BASEBALL: Whatever can go to New York, will.
$MURRAY'S RULE OF BASKETBALL: A free agent is anything but.
$MURRAY'S RULE OF FOOTBALL:
Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach.
$Machines should work; people should think.
$Make a wish, it might come true.
$Make input easy to proofread
$Make it right before you make it faster.
$Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
$Make sure comments and code agree.
$Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
$Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert.
$Man and wife make one fool.
$Man is by nature a political animal.
$Man is nature's brightest jewel. Isn't that great?
$Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
        -- M. Twain
$Man who bites bread or eats peas with knife is lost creature.
$Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
$Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
$Man will never fly.  Space travel is merely a dream.  All aspirin is alike.
$Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will
pick himself up and continue.
$Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
$Managing Director - the person responsible for making it difficult for
other people to do their work.
$Many a family tree needs trimming.
$Many a yo-yo think he have the world on a string.
$Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
$Many are called, few volunteer.
$Many are cold, but few are frozen.
$Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
$Many hands make light work.
$Many pages make a crowded castle.
$Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles on very thin paper.
$Many pages make a thick book.
$Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
$Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
$Many receive advice, few profit by it.
$Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
$Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
$Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
$Marry not a tennis player.  For love means nothing to them.
$Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
$Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
$Mathematics is the language God used to write the universe.
$Matrimony is the root of all evil.
$Max, as a unary function, isn't very interesting.
$May Godzilla get heartburn while standing in your backyard.
$May a 20 foot Boa Constrictor give you a passionate hug.
$May a burly person take exception to the way your face is arranged.
$May a crazed yak fall in love with your sister.
$May a cricket take up residence in your doctor's stethoscope just before
your annual checkup.
$May a diseased elephant sit on your face.
$May a diseased yak become your houseguest for a month.
$May a flight of Canada geese hover above you.
$May a fungus devour your IRS refund check.
$May a great white shark use you for a teething ring.
$May a herd of diseased wildebeest stampede through your bedroom.
$May a king cobra make a nest in your bed.
$May a live electric eel take up residence in your underwear.
$May a lovestruck mule follow you constantly.
$May a nest of killer scorpions take residence in your shoe closet.
$May a pregnant elephant choose your living room for the delivery.
$May a rabid hyena follow you constantly.
$May a rabid vampire bat give you a neck hickey.
$May a rabid wolf inhabit your closet.
$May a skunk take up residence in your sock drawer.
$May a small rodent find his way into your jodhpurs.
$May a weird holy man move in with you.
$May a weird holy man put a curse on you.
$May all of your successes be failures in disguise, and all of your failures
be catastrophic.
$May all your pushes be popped.
$May all your relatives decide to visit un-announced simultaneously.
$May all your teeth save one fall out. And may you have a toothache in that one.
$May all your troubles increase exponentially.
$May an abnormal person talk you into joining a religious sect that eats ping
pong paddles
$May an insincere glassblower give you mouth to mouth resuscitation.
$May an overzealous siding salesman scotchtape 5000 woodpeckers to your house.
$May fire ants nest in your garden.
$May gold be discovered on your land the day before you find out that
the land isn't really yours.
$May mice nest in your silverware drawer.
$May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.
$May the bird of paradise peck a hole in your eardrum.
$May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your birthday cake.
$May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
$May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your pubic hair.
$May you be French-kissed by a leprous aardvark.
$May you be held hostage for the release of the unknown soldier's grandmother.
$May you die in bed at 105, shot by a jealous spouse.
$May you fall off the Sears tower the day before man learns how to fly.
$May you find out that your lover is having a sex change operation.
$May you forget your best friends name as you deliver his eulogy.
$May you get a love letter from the Ayatollah Khomeini.
$May you get herpes the week before a preventative vaccine is announced.
$May you get mouth to mouth resuscitation from a paramedic with trench mouth.
$May you invent the perfect mousetrap the day after the mouse becomes extinct.
$May you live in uninteresting times.
$May you never know peace.
$May you take up a career in bomb disposal and earn the nickname 'Clumsy'.
$May you wake up in the morning next to a dead orangutan.
$May your blind date insist on wearing a ski mask.
$May your brother become a gay porno film actor.
$May your brother take up go-go dancing at a gay bar.
$May your favourite sports team take permanent residence in the cellar.
$May your lover insist on separate tables at a fancy restaurant.
$May your lucky rabbit's foot be attached to an 800 lb. rabbit.
$May your neighbour get a 30 foot Anaconda for a pet.
$May your priest offer to sell you a tape recording of your last confession.
$May your sister fall hopelessly in love with another woman.
$Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
$Meditation is not what you think.
$Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
$Memory should be the starting point of the present.
$Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have
been exhausted.
$Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
$Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
$Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
$Middle age: halfway between adolescence and obsolescence!
$Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
$Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
$Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it.
$Misfortune.
$Misster, do you vant to buy a duck?
$Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
$Moderation in all things, and moderation is the first to go.
$Moderation in all things.
$Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
$Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
$Money cannot buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while
you're being miserable.
$Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
$Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.
$Money is the root of all wealth.
$Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love.
$Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
$Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
$Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
$Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
$Mother earth is not flat!
$Motherboard -
a maternal parent listening to you tell her about your latest program.
$Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
$Multics is security spelled sideways.
$Mum's the word.
$Mumble.
$Murphy was an optimist.
$Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
$Must I hold a candle to my shames?
$My Karma ran over my dogma.
$My a burly person take exception to the way your face is arranged.
$My brain hurts!
$My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
$My dog has no nose.
$My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
$My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
$My manager also told me about the step-by-step phone walk-through
that several other people have experienced: "There!  Now it's
stopped working!" "Did you take OUT the first disk before you put
the second on in?"  When I heard this story, I said, "Sounds to me
like that guy's been watching too many porno movies."
$My natural exuberance spills out all over the place.
$My psycho-analyst is going to be out of a job.
$NAESER'S LAW:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
$NEWTON'S LAW: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
$NEWTON'S SEVENTH LAW: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
$Nanu nanu!
$National security is in your hands - guard it well.
$Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
$Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
$Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
$Necessity has no law.
$Necessity is the mother of invention.
$Neestiko arkoudi dhen horevee.
$Negative expectations yield negative results.
$Neil Armstrong tripped!
$Neither a burrower nor a lentil bee.
        -- Wm. Snakespeare
$Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
$Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.
$Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
$Never argue with anyone who buys ink by the gallon.
$Never ask a question unless the answer makes a difference.
$Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
$Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
$Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.
$Never eat at a place called Mom's.
$Never eat in a place with sliding doors unless you're crazy about raw fish.
$Never give a gun to ducks.
$Never give an inch!
$Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
$Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
$Never kick a man unless he's down.
$Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
$Never play cards with a man called Doc.
$Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
$Never promise more than you can perform.
$Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
$Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely.
$Never replace a successful experiment.
$Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!"
$Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
$Never say you know someone until you have divided an inheritance.
$Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
$Never take a drink when you are feeling sorry for yourself.
$Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
$Never throw a bird at a dragon.
$Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and bothers the pig.
$Never underestimate a woman.
$Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
$Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
$Never utilise a sesquipedalien word when an intuitive diminutive
will suffice.
$Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb.
$Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
$New UNIX/TS manuals available in 2F-101.
$Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity.
$Nice computers don't go down.
$Nice guys get sick.
$Nihilism doesn't exist.
$No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
$No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
$No analysis is a complete failure - it can always serve as a bad example.
$No directory.
$No experiment is reproducible.
$No it isn't!
$No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
$No matter how hard you shop for an item, after you bought it, you will find it
on sale.
$No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
$No matter how well you do your job, a superior will seek to modify the results.
$No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
$No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory
$No muff's too tough. We dive at five.
$No one becomes depraved in a moment.
$No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
$No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
$No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
$No one knows what he can do till he tries.
$No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
$No one within an organization really knows what's going on.
$No poems can please nor live long that are written by water drinkers.
$No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
$No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
$No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
$No sentence fragments.
$No sooner said than done--so acts your man of worth.
$No writer's life understands that he's working when he's staring out the window
$Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
$Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
$Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
$Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
$Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
$Not all who own a harp are harpers.
$Not now, Kato.
$Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free.
$Nothing astonishes man so much as common sense and plain dealing.
$Nothing endures but change.
$Nothing ever goes away.
$Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
$Nothing is as easy as it looks.
$Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
$Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
$Nothing is but what is not.
$Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
$Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
$Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
$Nothing is skinnier than nothing.
$Nothing is so firmly believed as which is least known.
$Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster than being elected.
$Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
$Nothing succeeds like excess.
$Nothing will ever happen to you.
$Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
$Now and then someone innocent is sent to the legislature.
$Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
$Nuke the whales
$Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck! [POP!] Oooooooh, a wise guy!
$O'BRIEN'S LAW: Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
$O'REILLY'S SPRING CLEANING LAW: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
$O'TOOLE'S AXIOM: One child is not enough, but two are far too many.
$O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY: Murphy was an optimist.
$OLIVERS' LAW OF LOCATION: No matter where you go, there you are.
$OSBORN'S LAW: Variables won't, constants aren't.
$Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
$October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks.
The others are July, January, September, April,
November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.
$Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
$Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
$Oh joy! Oh rapture!
$Oh my! Another kludge!
$Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
$Oh wearisome condition of humanity!  Born under one law, to another bound.
$Oh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful day!
$Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
$Oh! Sheer ecstasy!
$Oh! What fun this is!
$Oh, Nicky, you're such a tool.
$Okay, where's the virgin? We can't have a virgin sacrifice without a virgin.
Who's virgin monitor for this week?
$Old MacDonald had a processor -
Enable interrupts, enable input/output.
$Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
$Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
$Old age is the harbor of all ills.
$Old bakers never die, they just quit making dough.
$Old bakers never die, you just can't get a rise out of them.
$Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad examples.
$Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
$Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
$Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
$Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
$Omak:
$On a clear disk you can seek forever.
$On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
$On the way to the corner, a dropped tool will land on your foot.
$Once a can of worms is opened, the only way to recan them is in a bigger can.
$Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
$Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
$Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
$Once is an accident, twice is coincidence, thrice is enemy action.
$Once you understand how to write a program get someone else to write it.
$One Bell System - it sometimes works.
$One Bell System - it works.
$One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
$One day you will find yourself and be quite disappointed.
$One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
$One funged curve is worth a thousand weasel words.
$One good turn deserves another.
$One good turn gets the whole blanket.
$One is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
$One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
$One of it's legs is both the same.
$One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat
has only nine lives.
$One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below.
$One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
$One who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
$One who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
$One who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
$One who lives in a wine cellar rarely sees the light of day.
$One will not have needed the future perfect in one's entire life.
$One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.
$Only a fool has no doubts.
$Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
$Only fools are quoted.
$Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an
elephant.
$Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.
$Only those with nothing to be sorry for smile back at the rear of an elephant.
$Onward, through the fog.
$Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings
$Optimist is person who thinks he can break up traffic jam by blowing horn.
$Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of ketchup).
$Oregonians don't tan, they rust.
$Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
$Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
$Our parents were never our age.
$Our swords shall play the orators for us.
$Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
$P-K4.
$PARKINSON'S FIRST LAW: Work expands to fill available time.
$PARKINSON'S SECOND LAW: Expenditures rise to meet income.
$PATTON'S LAW: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
$PAUL'S LAW: Don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
$PAUL'S SECOND LAW: You need a bigger hammer.
$PAUL'S THIRD LAW: If it breaks, you used too big a hammer.
$PEER'S LAW: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
$PENNY'S LAW:
You can fool all of the people some of the time and some all of the time,
but you can't fool Mom.
$PERKINS' POSTULATE: The bigger they are...the harder they hit.
$PESSIMAL [Latin-based antonym for 'optimal'] adj. Maximally bad.
"This is a pessimal situation."
$PESSIMIZING COMPILER n. A compiler that produces object code that is worse
than the straightforward or obvious translation.
$PLEASE LOG OFF!.... NOW ! ! !
$PORKINGHAM'S FISHING PHILOSOPHY:
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
$PORKINGHAM'S LAW:
The time available to go fishing shrinks as fishing season draws near.
$PRICE'S LAW: If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.
$PROFESSORS BLOCK'S MOTTO: Forgive and Remember.
$PURGE COMPLETE.
$Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
$Palindrome isn't one.
$Panic: can't find  rm -rf *
$Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
$Paranoia is heightened awareness.
$Parsley is gharsley.
$Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
$Password:
$Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
$Patch griefs with proverbs.
$Patience - a minor form of despair disguised as a virtue.
$Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
$Pause for storage relocation.
$Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains.
$Peanut butter.
$People are funny. Tell them there is 400k of space left on a disk and they
will believe you. Put a sign saying "WET PAINT" on a door and they will have
to make a personal investigation.
$People humiliating a salami!
$People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none.
$People who are grateful are usually good.
$People who can least afford to pay rent pay rent.
$People who can most afford to pay rent build equity.
$People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
$People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
$People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
$People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.
$People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
$People with no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them
$Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
$Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle that they burned Rome.
$Peters hungry, time to eat lunch.
$Phasors locked on target, Captain.
$Philadelphia just seems dull because it's next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
$Philosophy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
$Phone call for cbh.
$Pipe gives wise man time to think and fool something to stick in mouth.
$Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once.
$Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week.
$Please do not shoot the pianist.  He is doing his best.
$Please go away.
$Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
$Please take cash.
$Please update your programs.
$Polite conversation is seldom either.
$Polymer physicists are into chains.
$Positive expectations yield negative results.
$Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
$Power is poison.
$Power means not having to respond.
$Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
$Practice yourself what you preach.
$Praise the sea; on shore remain.
$Pray for the success of atheism.
$Preserve the old, but know the new.
$Pressure is the normal force acting upon an engineer.
$Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
$Prevent security leaks.
$Preventing baldness is simple. just knot your hair from the inside.
$Probability is easy; either a thing will happen or it wont, so all
probabilities are 50%.
$Problems which have arisen from the use of computers. The computers use of lot
of electricity - well more than a filing cabinet.
$Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
$Programmers get overlaid.
$Programming department: Mistakes made while you wait.
$Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
$Pronounce your prepositions, damn it!
$Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
$Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
$Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
$Prototype designs always work.
$Prunes give you a run for your money.
$Pssst. The root password is 'kumquat'.
$Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
$Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality.
$Publishing is the art of buying paper and selling it again at a profit.
$Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad.
$Pumpkin - American definition of incest.
$Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the T.V. screen.
$Put 'em in the trunk.
$Put a tiger in your tank - it's the ideal anti-personnel weapon for use in the
small confines of military vehicles.
$Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
$Put people on hold when possible.
$Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
$Put your genius into your life.  Put only your talent into your work.
$Put your trust in those who are worthy.
$Q. "Can you use a vacuum cleaner on your dog?"
A. "Yes, but it is generally better to take it for a walk."
$Quack!
$Quando il gioco si fa duro, i duri cominciano a giocare.
$Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
$Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
$Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work!
$Quit work and play for once!
$RAVE v. 1. To persist in discussing a particular subject. 2. To speak
authoritatively on a subject about which one knows very little. 3. To
complain to a person not in a position to correct the difficulty. 4. To
purposely annoy another person verbally. 5. To evangelize. See FLAME. Also
used to describe less negative forms of blather, such as friendly bullshitting.
$RAY'S PRECISION RULE:
Measure with a micrometer - Mark with chalk - Cut with an axe.
$REV. CHICHESTER'S LAW:
If the weather is extremely bad or extremely good, attendance will be down.
$REYNOLD'S LAW OF CLIMATOLOGY:
Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo.
$ROCKEFELLER'S PRINCIPLE: Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
$ROGER'S LAW:
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airliner encounters turbulence.
$ROMINGER'S RULE FOR STUDENTS:
The more general the title of a course, the less you learn from it.
$RON'S OBSERVATION FOR TEENS:
The pimples don't appear until the hour before the date.
$RTFM
$RULE OF DEFACTUALIZATION: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
$RUNE'S RULE: If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
$Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
$Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
$Raise ducks for quack profit.
$Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
$Rank has its privileges.
$Read me!

Read me and judge if you understand!
So you stopped in your journey because I called, scenting something unusual,
something droll. Thus, although I am nothing, and even less, there is no one
that sees me but lingers here.
Stranger, I am a law of the universe.
Stranger, render the law what is due the law!
$Read your Amdahl Business Practices.
$Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
$Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience.
$Reality does not exist - yet.
$Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
$Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
$Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
$Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
$Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
$Reality--what a concept!
$Really?? We're having monkey heads?
$Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
$Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
$Recursive, adj.; see recursive
$Rehumanize yourself!
$Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
$Remember the Alamo.
$Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
$Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
$Remember, Unix on some machines is nUxi.
$Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat.
$Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
$Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
$Remote Login - a login that is unlikely to succeed.
$Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
$Reputation is what others are not thinking about you.
$Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has.
$Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
$Resist everything but temptation.
$Rest assured that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
$Retirement should be based on the tread, not the mileage.
$Retribution will be yours.
$Riches cover a multitude of woes.
$Rome was not built in one day.
$Rotten wood cannot be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
$Rubber bands have snappy endings!
$Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
$Run away!
$Run for the hills! The ducks are loose!
$SALESMAN'S MOTTO:
It is morally wrong to allow a naive person to keep their money.
$SCNATTERLY'S SUMMING UP OF THE COROLLARIES:
If anything can't go wrong, it will.
$SCOTT'S SECOND LAW: When an error has been detected and corrected,
it will be found to be correct originally.
$SEAY'S LAW: Nothing ever comes out as planned.
$SECOND LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
$SEIT'S LAW OF HIGHER EDUCATION:
The one course you need for graduation is not offered your last semester.
$SEMPER UBI SUB UBI !!!!
$SEYMOUR'S INVESTMENT PRINCIPLE: Never invest in anything that eats.
$SHAW'S PRINCIPLE:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
$SHIRLEY'S LAW: Most people deserve each other.
$SILVERMAN'S PARADOX: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
$SIMON'S LAW: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
$SKOFF'S LAW: A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
$SODD'S SECOND LAW: Sooner or later the worst is bound to occur.
$SOFTWARE ROT n. A hypothetical disease of which the existence has been
deduced from the observation that unused programs or features will stop
working after sufficient time has passed, even if "nothing has changed!"
Also known as "BIT DECAY."
$SOFTWARILY adv. In a way pertaining to software. "The system is softwarily
unreliable." The adjective 'softwary' is NOT used. See HARDWARILY.
$SPARK'S FIRST RULE: Strive to look tremendously important.
$STEELE'S PHILOSOPHY:
Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
$STEINBACH'S GUIDELINE:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
$STENDERUP'S LAW:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
$STITZER'S VACATION PRINCIPLE: Take half as much clothing & twice as much money.
$STUDENT'S LAW:
Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study for his course.
$Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
$Sado-necro-bestiality is flogging a dead horse.
$Safety is better than the wrong answer.
$Salary is no object: strive only to keep body and soul apart.
$Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.
$Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
$Satire is what closes in New Haven.
$Saturate - the scientific term for sitting on a wet toilet seat.
$Save energy, drive a smaller process.
$Save gas, don't eat beans.
$Save gas, don't use the shell.
$Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.
$Save our virgin forests - buy a tree a chastity belt.
$Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
$Say the secret woid and the duck is yours.
$Say the secret word and you win $100.
$Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
$Schizophrenia beats being alone.
$Sculpture: mud pies that endure.
$Sdrawkcab spelled backwards is backwards.
$Sears has everything.
$Second-rate people hire third-rate people.
$Security - the computer programmer's equivalent of a joke.
$Security is the individual's responsibility.
$Security is your responsibility.
$Seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.
$Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
$Sell short.
$Serfs up - spartacus.
$Set the cart before the horse.
$Sex causes cancer.  We'd wipe out cancer in one generation if no one had sex.
$Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
$Sex is a disrobic experience
$Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
$Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
$Shall I sing you the Ode to Joy?
$Share your happiness with others today.
$She just, turns around and disappear. I kinda like that style.
$She loves you as much as she can, which is not very much.
$She may very well pass for forty-three in the dusk with a light behind her.
$She offered her honour, he honoured her offer -
all night long, honour and offer!
$She sells cshs by the cshore.
$She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her.
$She was so narrow-minded she could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
$She was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved
by a terminal illness.
$She who hesitates is won.
$Sheep are best!
$Shift to the left!  Shift to the right!  Pop up, push down!  Byte, byte, byte!
$Shine on, you crazy diamond!
$Short circuits got no reason to live.
$Show respect for age.  Drink good scotch for a change.
$Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
$Show your appreciation for your lover with a surprise small gift.
$Shower the people you love with your love.
$Shower with the people you love.
$Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
$Sigmund's wife wore freudian slips.
$Sign on bank:  "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT."
$Sign up now for the summarizing Proust competition!
$Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.
$Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
$Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
$Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
$Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work
$Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
$Small programs are for small minds.
$Small things make base men proud.
$Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
$Smile! it makes people wonder what you've been up to.
$Smile, tomorrow will be worse.
$Smoke no peaches.
$Snow Day - stay home.
$Snow and adolescence are the only problems that go away if ignored long enough.
$So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
$So this is the secret of happiness!
$So you're back.
$Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
$Society is a mule, not a car; if pressed harder, it will kick and throw you off
$Some men are discovered; others are found out.
$Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
$Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
$Some people fall for everything and stand for nothing.
$Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
$Some things have to be believed to be seen.
$Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner.
$Somehow, somewhere along the line, this town lost its pride.
$Someone close to you is taking advantage of your trust.
$Someone is speaking well of you.
$Someone is speaking well of you.  How unusual!
$Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
$Someone will try to honk your nose today.
$Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
$Sometimes I think life is all just a pleasant dream.
$Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
$Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
$Sorry, computer foul-up!
$Sorry, no fortune this time.
$Sorry.
$Sorry. Nice try.
$Spare the rod and spoil the drag race.
$Spend enough time confirming the need and the need will disappear.
$Spilling your guts out is just as charming as it sounds.
$Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
$Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
$Stamp out philately.
$Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
$State Farm?  Guard dogs?
$Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
$Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not illumination.
$Stay away from flying saucers today.
$Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
$Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
$Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
$Streakers repent! Your end is in sight.
$Strike while the iron is hot.
$Structured Programming -
a technique which creates beautiful looking code which doesn't work.
$Sturgeon's Law:  Ninety percent of everything is crud.
$Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
$Success is a journey, not a destination.
$Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
$Suddenly things are going better than I ever expected.
$Supercompetence is more objectionable than incompetence.
$Support national motherhood week - make one today!
$Support your local church.  Worship at Bank of America.
$Surly grammarians insist that all words ending in "ly" are adverbs.
$Survival of the species is everyone's business.
$Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
$Swap read error. You lose your mind.
$Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
$Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semi-colons;
$System checkpoint complete.
$System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
$System maintenance about to begin.
$System restarting, wait.
$Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
$THE ARMY AXIOM: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
$THE CARDINAL CONUNDRUM:
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.
A pessimist fears this is true.
$THE EXTENDED MURPHY'S LAW:
If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible
sequence.
$THE GENERAL LAW: The chaos in the universe always increases.
$THE GOLDEN RULE: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
$THE GREEN THUMB LAW:
The life of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly
with its ugliness.
$THE PET PRINCIPLE:
No matter which side of the door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side.
$THE PROGRAMMERS' CHEER? --
SHIFT TO THE LEFT, SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
$THE THEOREM THEOREM: If if, then then.
$THE UNAPPLICABLE LAW: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
$THE WATERGATE PRINCIPLE:
Government corruption will always be reported in the past tense.
$THINE'S LAW: Nature abhors people.
$THOM'S LAW OF MARITAL BLISS:
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding.
$TODD'S FIRST LAW: All things being equal, you lose.
$TODD'S POLITICAL PRINCIPLE:
No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money.
$TOOD'S SECOND LAW: No matter what they're telling you, it's not the whole truth.
$TRUMAN'S LAW: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
$Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
$Tact is the unsaid part of what you're thinking.
$Take an astronaut to launch.
$Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
$Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
$Take time to develop your personality.
$Take time to travel; your troubles will unravel.
$Take what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
$Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
$Talkers are no good doers.
$Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
$Tanstaafl.
$Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
$Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam to work for the government.
$Teachers have class.
$Teamwork is vital! (it gives you someone to blame.)
$Terminal Emulation -
lying stiffly on your back, with your hands folded across your chest.
$Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
$Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
$That is a two part question ...
$That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.
$That that is is not that that is not.
$That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
$That's like fluffing the pillows on the Titanic
$That's what she said.
$The Boy Scouts have adult leadership. The Air Force doesn't.
$The Boy Scouts have adult leadership. The Army doesn't.
$The Boy Scouts have adult leadership. The Coast Guard doesn't.
$The Boy Scouts have adult leadership. The Marines don't.
$The Boy Scouts have adult leadership. The Navy doesn't.
$The Bozos are coming.
$The Denver Boot is so called because when it is in use your car might as
well be in Denver for all the use it is in getting you down to the Local.
$The Islamic Musical, "Seven Brides for One Brother"
$The Pace of Progress: Society is a mule, not a car...if pressed too hard,
it will throw off its rider.
$The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
$The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
$The VAX was developed by DEC.
Detractors assert it's a wreck.
Perkin-Elmer and Prime
Are still biding their time,
Hoping someone will buy from them yet.
$The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
$The adverb always follows the verb.
$The agony of delete.
$The amount of work done varies inversely with the time spent in the office.
$The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
$The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
$The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
$The best prophet of the future is the past.
$The best things in life are for a fee.
$The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
$The better part of valor is discretion.
$The bigger the theory, the better.
$The brain works from the moment of birth until you stand up to speak in public.
$The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
$The coast was clear.
$The cost of feathers has risen.... now even down is up!
$The cost of liberty is less than the price of oppression.
$The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
$The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
$The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
$The die is cast.
$The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies.
$The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
$The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
$The door is the key.
$The early worm gets the bird.
$The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
$The end of labor is to gain leisure.
$The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
$The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
$The feature which you claim to have discovered in Unix is almost certainly
due to an act of God: why don't you read the documentation?
$The feature which you claim to have discovered in Unix is almost certainly
due to sheer incompetence: go away!
$The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
$The first man who compared a woman to a flower was a poet,
the second an imbecile.
$The first myth of management is that it exists.
$The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
$The first two days of vacation are endless, then it flies.
$The following statement is not true:
$The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.
$The future is bright in affairs of the heart.
$The future is not what it used to be. (It never was.)
$The future lies ahead.
$The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
$The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
$The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
$The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
$The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
$The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
$The hand that kindles cannot quench the flame.
$The heart is wiser than the intellect.
$The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring
a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
$The honeymoon is that short period of doting between dating and debting.
$The hostage? Yes, we're trying to get a phone fitted.
$The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
$The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
$The important thing is not to stop questioning.
$The ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
$The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
                  Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
$The last person who said that, God rest his soul, lived to regret it.
$The last thing England want to do now is let a goal in.
$The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
$The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
$The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
$The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
$The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
$The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
$The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
$The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
$The man who runs may fight again.
$The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
$The meek shall inherit the earth.  They are too weak to refuse.
$The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
$The moon is made of green cheese.
$The more the merrier.
$The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
$The more you cultivate people the more you turn up clods.
$The most dangerous person in the world is an idealogue with a machine gun.
$The most harmful error has not yet been discovered in your program.
$The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
$The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
$The next six days are dangerous.
$The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
$The obvious answer is always overlooked.
$The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
$The only race worth winning is the human race.
$The only rose without thorns is friendship.
$The only thing constant is change.
$The only thing funnier than how things don't work out, is how they do.
$The only thing that endures is change.
$The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
$The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're done
$The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
$The only way to be good at everything you do is to only do the things
you are good at.
$The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
$The other line moves faster.
$The pen is mightier than the pencil.
$The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.
$The perfect secretary is one who types fast and runs slow.
$The person who is all wrapped up in himself is overdressed.
$The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
$The plural of spouse is spice.
$The price of greatness is responsibility.
$The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
$The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
$The proof of a system's value is its existence.
$The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
$The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
The haves get more, the have-nots die.
$The ripest fruit falls first.
$The road to Hades is easy to travel.
$The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
$The sheer joy of living is wonderful.
$The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
$The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.
$The show ain't over 'till the fat lady sings.
$The size of a mega byte of storage depends on whether you are entering data
or writing a program to fit in it.
$The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
$The smoker you drink, the player you get.
$The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
$The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
$The star of riches is shining upon you.
$The telephone will ring when you are outside the door fumbling for your keys.
$The three most puzzling questions are:
 1) Why are we born?
 2) Why do we die?
 3) Why do we spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?
$The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
$The time is right to make new friends.
$The torture never stops.
$The two great tragedies in life: not getting what one wants and getting it.
$The universe is all a spinoff of the Big Bang.
$The universe is laughing behind your back.
$The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
$The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
$The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
$The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
$The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
$The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
$The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
$The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
$The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
$The world isn't worse.  It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
$The world wants to be deceived.
$The worst form of failure is the failure to try.
$The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience.
$Then you must be Don Francisco's sister!
$There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
$There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot
endure to be thought so.
$There are fortunes that mention the word 'umbrella' for no apparent reason.
$There are moments when art attains almost to the dignity of manual labor.
$There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses.
$There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
$There are more ways into the woods than out.
$There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream.
$There are no giant crabs in here, Frank.
$There are no rules of architecture for castles in the sky.
$There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the
three form a rising scale of compliment: (1) - to tell him you have read
one of his books; (2) - to tell him you have read all of his books; (3) - to
ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1
admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3
carries you clear into his heart.
$There are two instruments worse than a clarinet.  Two clarinets.
$There is a bear following you around.
$There is a fly on your Dimension!
$There is a vas deferens between men and women.
$There is always an easier way to do it.
$There is always one more bug.
$There is always someone worse off than yourself.
$There is always something new out of Africa.
$There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.
$There is an exception to all laws.
$There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
$There is an exception to every rule.
$There is danger in delaying, good fortune in acting.
$There is life after death: in Cleveland, people are still allowed to vote.
$There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
$There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
$There is news.
$There is no "A" in "KERNEL"!
$There is no devil; it's God when he's drunk.
$There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
$There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
$There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
$There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
$There is no royal road to geometry.
$There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
$There is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity.
$There is no such thing as a little garlic.
$There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
$There is no time like the pleasant.
$There is no time like the present to postpone what you ought to be doing.
$There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
$There is nothing so easy that it becomes difficult when done with reluctance.
$There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.
$There is only one way to kill capitalism--by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
$There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
$There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us.
$There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
$There's a whole lifetime stretching ahead of me!
$There's an Italian in my room and he won't go away!
$There's at least one fool in every married couple.
$There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
$There's no future in time travel.
$There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
$There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
$There's small choice in rotten apples.
$There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
$These days govt. is a four letter word.
$They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
$They just buzzed and buzzed.....buzzed.
$They've played their hearts out.
$Things are certainly looking up.
$Things are going very well on the whole.
$Things are not always what they seem.
$Things are seldom what they seem; skim milk masquerades as cream.
$Things past redress and now with me past care.
$Things will be brighter tonight.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
$Things won't get any better, so get used to it.
$Things work better when plugged in.
$Things worth having are worth cheating for.
$Think twice before speaking.  But don't say "think think click click".
$Thinly sliced cabbage.
$This afternoon is favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
$This ain't no party! This ain't no disco! This ain't no foolin' around!
$This calls for a celebration.
$This fortune every third, but it still comprehensible.
$This fortune intentionally left blank.
$This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
$This fortune is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
$This fortune will not come true.
$This has been a remarkably successful week.
$This is a good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
$This is a good time to punt work.
$This is one of my most creative periods ever.
$This is the best of all possible worlds.
$This is the day for firm decisions!  Or is it?
$This is the light at the end of the tunnel.
$This login session:  $13.99
$This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
$This place has everything.
$This portion of UTS II is a trade secret of Amdahl Corporation.
$This sentance has threee errors.
$This sentence contains ten words, eighteen syllables, and sixty-four letters.
$This sentence no verb.
$This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
$This unit ... must ... survive.
$This was the most unkindest cut of all.
$Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
$Those who can't teach administrate.
$Those who can't teach consult.
$Those who can't teach, teach gym.
$Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
$Those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach.  Those who can't teach, hack.
$Those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach.  Those who can't teach, teach gym.
$Those who can, do.  Those who can't, write.
$Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
$Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose.
$Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
$Thou hast seen nothing yet.
$Thou shall not sleep within an interrupt handler.
$Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
$Three cheers for life.
$Time and tide wait for no man.
$Time as he grows old teaches all things.
$Time flies like arrow; fruit flies like banana.
$Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
$Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
$Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen at once.
$Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
$To add insult to injury.
$To be born rich is an accident. To die rich is a miracle.
$To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
$To be wise, the only thing you need to know is when to say "I don't know."
$To climb the ladder of success you must get through the crowd at the bottom.
$To do is to be - Nietzsche
To be is to do - Sartre
Do be do be do - Sinatra
Do be a do-bee - Miss Sally
$To do nothing is to be nothing.
$To do two things at once is to do neither.
$To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,
you're overdoing it a little.
$To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
$To err is human, to forgive is out of the question.
$To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
$To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
$To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
$To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
$To have died once is enough.
$To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
$To keep your friends, treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
$To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
$To laugh at people of sense is the privilege of fools.
$To light a candle is to cast a shadow.
$To love is good, love being difficult.
$To lower the thermostat on the bridge of the Enterprise; to coldly go
where no man has gone before.
$To pass through a time-warp backward through time; to oldly go where
no man has gone before.
$To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
$To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
$To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
$To shave the heads of the crew of the Enterprise; to baldly go where
no man has gone before...
$To spray the Enterprise in a heavy metallic element; to goldly go
where no man has gone before.
$To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
$To teach is to learn.
$To the landlord belong the doorknobs.
$To use violence is to already be defeated.
$Today is a bad day to give to charity.
$Today is a good day for you to jump in a lake.
$Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking official.
$Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
$Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
$Today is the last day of your life so far.
$Today is your lucky day.
$Tonight they had that little bit of luck that we didn't have.
$Too clever is dumb.  --Ogden Nash
$Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
$Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond;
cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
$Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
$Treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
$Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
$Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
$Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
$True happiness will be found only in true love.
$Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
$Truthful:  Dumb and illiterate.
$Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
$Try a new system or a different approach.
$Try later.
$Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
$Try to develop your own personality.
$Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
$Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
$Trying to establish voice contact--please yell into keyboard.
$Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose
$Tuck under thumb and hold firmly.
$Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
$Two heads are better than one.
$Two is company, three is an orgy.
$Two is not equal to three, even for very large values of two.
$Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
$Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
$Typically loud music, more so than the original, made it sound as if the
audience was singing along.  (In fact, a good deal of the audience was
singing along.)
$UFO's are real.  The Air Force doesn't exist.
$UNDERWOOD'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS:
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them
is to use a larger can.
$UP adj. 1. In working order. "The down escalator is up." 2. BRING UP
v. To create a working version and start it. "They brought up a down disk."
$Ubi, O, ubi est meam sub ubi?
        -- Vergil
$Under every stone lurks a politician.
$Undetectable errors are infinite; detectable errors by definition are finite.
$Unemployed people are getting bigger.
$Unix - plural of Eunuch.
$Unix soit qui mal y pense.
$Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
$Unusual cheeses.
$Up your accumulator.
$Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
$Use IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
$Use debugging compilers.
$Use free-form input where possible
$Use library functions.
$Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale across the beach.
$VAIL'S AXIOM: In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchal level.
$VAXEN [from 'oxen,' perhaps influenced by 'vixen.']
    n. pl. The plural of VAX.
$VDU - a STD similar to visual AIDS.
$VIRGIN adj. Unused, in reference to an instantiation of a program. "Let's
bring up a virgin system and see if it crashes again." Also, by extension,
unused buffers and the like within a program.
$VIRTUAL adj. 1. Common alternative to LOGICAL (q.v.), but never used with
compass directions. 2. Performing the functions of. Virtual memory acts like
real memory, but isn't.
$Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
$Vertical - a green itch.
$Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
$Vice versa - poems about brothels?
$Vidi, vici, veni!
        -- Don Juan
$Vini, vidi, vici.
$Violence is the last recourse of the incompetent.
$Virtual Disk - very nearly a storage device.
$Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.
$Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
$Volcano - a mountain with hiccups.
$Vote Anarchist.
$WAGNER'S LAW OF SPORTS TV:
When the camera isolates on a male athlete, he will either spit, pick
or scratch.
$WALLACE'S OBSERVATION: Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.
$WALTER'S LAW OF POLITICS: A fool and his money are soon elected.
$WEAR-OUT BITS n. A hypothetical (and sought after) mechanism by which
software houses could charge for software preventive maintenance, and thus
make a fortune. The idea is that some instructions in the machine would
become softwarily unreliable after N executions. However, having software
specialists come over to a shop and 'brush the wear-out bits' every so often
would prevent this from happening.
$WEBER'S DEFINITION:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less
until he knows nothing.
$WEINBERG'S FIRST LAW: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
$WEINER'S LAW OF LIBRARIES: There are no answers, only cross-references.
$WETHERN'S LAW: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
$WHISTLER'S LAW: You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge.
$WILLIAMS AND HOLLAND'S LAW:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistics.
$WINGER'S RULE:
If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just become the expert.
$WIZARD n. 1. A person who knows how a complex piece of hardware or software
works; someone who can find and fix bugs in an emergency. 2. A person who is
allowed to do things forbidden to ordinary people, e.g. an ADVENT wizard may
play Adventure during the day; a VMS wizard can use certain utilities that
ordinary people cannot or use features that others cannot. (e.g. SYSGEN).
$Wad some power the giftie gie us.
To see oursels as others see us.
$Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
$Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
$Walk softly and carry a big stick.
$War is its own punishment.
$War is the last refuge of incompetent statesmen.
$War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
$Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
$Was it a car or a cat I saw?
$Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
$Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
$Watch out for off-by-one errors.
$Watch out where the Huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow!
$Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
$Watson! Come here! I need you!
$We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
$We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
$We are not a clone.
$We are not alone.
$We are not punished for our sins, but by them.
$We are the knights who say, "NIE!"
$We are the people our parents warned us about.
$We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
$We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
$We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
$We have a equal opportunity calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
$We have got to get organized!
$We have them just where they want us.
                 J. T. Kirk
$We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
$We like all kinds of praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind.
$We may be alone.  We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.
$We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
$We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
$We read to say that we have read.
$We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
$We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.
$We start out loving our parents and end up hating them. Sometimes we
learn to love them again, but we never forgive them.
$We'll be back to Nick Danger after this message.
$We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
$We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu.
$We're all bozos on this bus.
$We're all over it, like a cheap suit.
$Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
$Weekend, where are you?
$Welcome to The Machine.
$Welcome to the Future! It's just starting now ...
$Well I know where she come from but I don't know what's her name
$Well begun is half done.
$Well, I couldn't figure out this subtraction problem,
so I put "Atlanta, Georgia"
$Well, pluck me naked as a scalded chicken!
$Well, stap me, I seem to have come out without my duck.
$Wernher von Braun settled for a V2 when he coulda had a V8.
$Whadda ya mean, "we"?
$Whadda ya want for nothin'?  Rubber biscuit?
$Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
$What a beautiful day!
$What a bundle of laughs.
$What a friend we have in cheeses.
$What a glorious way of spending an evening!
$What a success today has been.
$What can possibly go wrong?
$What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
$What happens if I decrement the user count? (scream in the distance)
$What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
$What is Life?  It's the cereal Mikey likes.
$What is food to one, it to others bitter poison.
$What is there to complain about?
$What is worth doing is worth doing for money.
$What is worth doing is worth overdoing.
$What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
$What lovely weather!
$What more could a man ask for?
$What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
$What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
$What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
$What soon grows old?  Gratitude.
$What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
$What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five cent bagel.
$What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
$What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
$What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
$What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history.
$What you don't do is always more important than what you do.
$What you need is love potion #9.
$What's all this brouhaha?
$What's done to children, they will do to society.
$What's so funny?
$What's the difference between a duck?
$What, me worry?
$Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
$Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
$Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland.
$Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
$Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
$When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
$When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have
gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
$When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
             Mae West
$When a hammer is the only tool, every problem looks like a nail.
$When all else fails, read the instructions.
$When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
$When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one
I've never tried before.
$When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
$When in doubt, follow your heart.
$When in doubt, lead trump.
$When in doubt, leave out the adjective.
$When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.  When in charge, ponder.
$When in doubt, take all the defaults.
$When inlaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
$When it rains, it pours.
$When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
$When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
$When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
$When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
$When the plane you're on is late, the plane you need to transfer to is on time.
$When the plane you're on is late, your connecting flight is on time.
$When the sun shineth, make hay.
$When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
$When things are going well, something will go wrong.
$When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
$When working a problem, it helps to know the answer.
$When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose.
$When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
$When you are used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
$When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself
Americanized.
$When you breathe you inspire. When you don't breathe you expire.
$When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.
$When you finally discover all of Life's answers, they'll change the questions.
$When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel, it will probably be a
train coming toward you.
$When you get killed you lose an important part of your life.
        -- B. Shields
$When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
$When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
$When you mention something, if it's bad, it happens, if it's good, it goes away
$When you're in command, command.
$Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
$Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
$Where are we?
$Where the hell is /usr/hippo?
$Where the hell is Omak?
$Where the hell is Wall Drug?
$Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
$Where there's a whip there's a way.
$Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
$Where there's life there's hope.
$Where's the beef?
$Which is not a complete sentence, but merely a subordinate clause.
$While there's life, there's hope.
$White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
$Who are you?
$Who cares anyway?
$Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
$Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
$Who is John Galt?
$Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
$Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
$Who reformatted the root disk?
$Who to himself is law no law doth need, offends no law, and is a king indeed.
$Who was Bruce Clarke?
$Who was Dan Walsh?
$Who was Dave Cardinal?
$Who was Evan Adams?
$Who was Frank Suchomel?
$Who was Jim Voll?
$Who was Karl Danz?
$Who was Lorrie Duval?
$Who was Mark Linton?
$Who was Steve Saperstein?
$Who was Tom Lyon?
$Who's scruffy looking?
$Whoops, I formatted the root disk.
$Whoops, stepped on a frog.
$Why are there no black M&M's?
$Why are there no blue M&M's?
$Why are there no fuchsia M&M's?
$Why are there no grey M&M's?
$Why are there no lavender M&M's?
$Why are there no mauve M&M's?
$Why are there no pink M&M's?
$Why are there no polka dot M&M's?
$Why are there no purple M&M's?
$Why are there no red M&M's?
$Why are there no tan M&M's?
$Why are there no white M&M's?
$Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
$Why do we study poverty instead of wealth?
$Why do you have so much quickness of movement if not to avoid responsibility?
$Why do you think they call it "find"?
$Why does love got to be so sad?
$Why don't you go play in the food processor?
$Why not go out on a limb?  Isn't that where the fruit is?
$Will had a fortune the other day, but he forgot it.
$Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
$Wisdom is knowing what to do next.
$Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
$Wise man see more from bottom of well than fool from mountain top.
$Wise man see more from mountain top than fool from bottom of well.
$Wise words in the mouths of fools oft belie.
$Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
$Wit has truth in it.  Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
$With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
$Without fools there would be no wisdom.
$Without tools there would be no wisdom.
$Women's libbers are ok, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
$Words are the voice of the heart.
$Words have a longer life than deeds.
$Words must be weighed, not counted.
$Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
$Work is the curse of the drinking class.
$Work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
$Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.
$Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
$Would it help if I got out and pushed?
$Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
$Would you like some duck for lunch, eh misster, would you?
$Wow!  I could've had a V/8!
$Wow! They've put my favourite food on the menu again!
$Wowie, I'm having a really great time!
$Write all adverbial forms correct.
$Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
$Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
$XAV eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
$YOUNG'S COROLLARY:
The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.
$YOUNG'S LAW: all great discoveries are made by mistake.
$YOUNG'S PRINCIPLE OF INDIVIDUALITY: Everybody wants to peel their own banana.
$YOYO MODE n. State in which a computer (relatively) rapidly changes states
between 'UP' and 'DOWN'.
$Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet.
$Yesterday is a memory. Tomorrow is a vision.  Today is a bitch.
$Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
$Yet another hurdle cleared successfully.
$Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
$You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
$You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there.
$You are a bundle of energy always on the go.
$You are a singer who has to take any note above A with your eyebrows.
$You are a very redundant person; that's what kind of person you are, redundant.
$You are about to make a most valuable discovery.
$You are always busy.
$You are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately.
$You are being paged.
$You are being swapped.
$You are being watched. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
$You are capable of planning your future.
$You are confident of things you know nothing about.
$You are confused; but this is your normal state.
$You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
$You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
$You are fair-minded, just and loving.
$You are fairminded, just and loving.
$You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
$You are fast approaching your level of incompetence.
$You are going to have a new love affair.
$You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
$You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
$You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike.
$You are in a twisting maze of little passages, all different.
$You are lustworthy.
$You are magnetic in your bearing.
$You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
$You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery.
$You are so narrowminded you can see through a keyhole with two eyes.
$You are standing on my toes.
$You are taking advantage of the good nature of a friend.  Be careful.
$You are taking yourself too seriously.
$You are too narrowminded if you can see through a keyhole with both eyes.
$You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty.
$You are truly a rhinestone in the rough.
$You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
$You are unscrupulously dishonest, false, and deceitful.
$You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
$You auto buy now.
$You can be replaced by a machine that flushes.
$You can be replaced by this computer.
$You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
$You can depend on nothing, you see?
$You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
$You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.
$You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
$You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
$You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
$You can tell it's really cold when the consultants have their hands in their
own pockets.
$You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.
$You can't change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes.
$You can't cheat the phone company.
$You can't even cut the cheese.
$You can't fall off the floor.
$You can't fool me--there ain't no sanity clause.
$You can't get there from here.
$You can't get to Heaven on roller skates.
$You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
$You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly--only sooner than she thought you would.
$You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't get out of the game.
$You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
$You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
$You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
$You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
$You cannot see farther than others by standing on the feet of giants.
$You cannot see the wood for the trees.
$You cannot succeed by criticizing others.
$You cannot use your friends and have them too.
$You dialed 5483.
$You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
$You do not have mail.
$You do well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is involved.
$You don't give a damn about apathy.
$You don't know what you want, and are willing to go through hell to get it.
$You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
$You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
$You don't usually see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
$You dream of things that aren't and ask "why not?".
$You enjoy the company of other people.
$You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
$You fill a much-needed gap.
$You get the most of what you need the least.
$You get what you pay for.
$You hate mail.
$You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
$You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
$You have a frog in your pocket?
$You have a massage.  (From the Swedish prime minister.)
$You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
$You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
$You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
$You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
$You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
$You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
$You have a truly strong individuality.
$You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
$You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
$You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
$You have an important role as a negative example.
$You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
$You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationship.
$You have been selected for a secret mission.
$You have fallen so far behind, there is no reason to log in.
$You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
$You have hate mail.
$You have junk mail.
$You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
$You have mail.
$You have many friends and very few enemies.
$You have many friends and very few living enemies.
$You have moments. You do have moments.
$You have no real enemies.
$You have only a very small head and must live within it.
$You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You will learn a lot today.
$You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
$You have to be cheerful sometimes, you know.
$You have to go out there and give it 110% in the ninetieth minute.
$You haven't a single redeeming vice.
$You humans are all alike.
$You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
$You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
$You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
$You look marvelous.
$You look tired
$You love peace.
$You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
$You may already be a wiener!
$You may be a lover but you aint no dancer!
$You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.
$You may have mail.
$You may now log in to life.  Password:
$You mean I can put stuff past column 72? WOW! UNIX is great!
$You might have mail.
$You need not worry about your future.
$You need to acquire a little subtlety.
$You never find an article until you replace it.
$You never have mail.
$You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
$You now have Asian Flu.
$You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
$You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
$You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
$You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
$You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
$You say that now, but try chewing a child the next time you're car sick.
$You say things with your eyes that others waste time putting into words.
$You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
$You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
$You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
$You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
$You should go home.
$You should hardly ever equivocate.
$You should use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion.
$You shouldn't touch a pig unless it hasn't been in the mud.
$You still need the last file you removed.
$You tread upon my patience.
$You used to be indecisive.  Now you're not sure.
$You want a fortune?  I'll give you a fortune.  "Blech!"
$You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
$You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
$You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
$You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
$You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
$You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
$You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
$You will be awarded some great honor.
$You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize--posthumously.
$You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
$You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
$You will be held hostage by a radical group.
$You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
$You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
$You will be invited to dine with many important people.  Once.
$You will be married within a year.
$You will be misunderstood by everyone.
$You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
$You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
$You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
$You will be squirrely today.
$You will be successful in love.
$You will be surprised by a loud noise.
$You will be surrounded by luxury.
$You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
$You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
$You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
$You will be where you most desire to be in a short while.
$You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
$You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
$You will die of terminal acne.
$You will engage in a profitable business activity.
$You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
$You will feel hungry again in another hour.
$You will find what is not lost and enter where there are no doors.
$You will forget that you ever knew me.
$You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
$You will gain money by an illegal or immoral action.
$You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
$You will have a flat tire before the end of the month.
$You will have a head crash on your private pack.
$You will have a long and boring life.
$You will have a long and healthy life.
$You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
$You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
$You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
$You will have long and healthy life.
$You will have many recoverable tape errors.
$You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
$You will inherit millions of dollars.
$You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
$You will know happy motorcyclist by the bug stains on his teeth.
$You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
$You will live by the side of the road and help some pilgrim along life's way.
$You will live to see your grandchildren.
$You will lose an important file.
$You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
$You will never know hunger.
$You will not be elected to public office this year.
$You will outgrow your usefulness.
$You will outlive those who seek to destroy you.
$You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
$You will pass away very quickly.
$You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
$You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
$You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
$You will receive a legacy that will place you above want.
$You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
$You will soon forget this.
$You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
$You will soon meet a stranger who will become your friend.
$You will soon meet a strangler who will become your fiend.
$You will spend the rest of your life in the future.
$You will step on the night soil of many countries.
$You will survive the conflagration.
$You will triumph over your enemy.
$You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
$You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
$You will wish you hadn't.
$You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
$You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people.
$You'll be sorry.
$You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
$You're all clear now, kid.  Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
$You're all over it, like a cheap suit.
$You're at Witt's End.
$You're my hero!
$Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
$Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.
$Your aim is high and to the right.
$Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
$Your aims are high, and you are incapable of much.
$Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
$Your business will assume vast proportions.
$Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
$Your code should be more efficient!
$Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.
$Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
$Your disk will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
$Your domestic life may be harmonious.
$Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
$Your empty file directory has been deleted.
$Your enemies are closing in.
$Your future looks bright.
$Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
$Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
$Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
$Your kindness and generosity cause envy in a powerful person nearby.
$Your logic was impeccable, captain.  We are in grave danger.
$Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
$Your love life will be interesting.
$Your lover will never wish to leave you.
$Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
$Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
$Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
$Your mode of life will be changed to 0644.
$Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
$Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
$Your most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
$Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
$Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
$Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
$Your present plans will be successful.
$Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
$Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
$Your resume will be used on the "Tonight Show" monologue.
$Your salary will be increased.
$Your slogan here.
$Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
$Your step will soil many countries.
$Your supervisor is thinking about you.
$Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
$Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
$Your winning smile is your greatest asset.
$Your work is very poor, but at least it's slow.
$Youth is not a time of life, it's a state of mind.
$ZYMURGY'S LABOUR LAW: People are always available for work in the past tense.
$f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
$fortune: cannot open /lib/games/fortunes
$fortune: not found